been listening to a track on an album by Ikon - the lyric goes "i never question god, i can only question my assumptions of god, i only question my understanding of god"
i like that thought, a lot.
for a very long time my mindset was that you must prove that god existed - that was Evangelism, that was what it was all about, that was the question -"does he* exist?"...
and so, to me, fellowship and worship and my understanding of the teaching of the church was all about affirming and reinforcing a very singular idea of god...
but over the past few years - through my alt-worship dabblings, revive, open space, and now our monk-y business - i've really let go of that sort of narrow, yes/no thinking about god and feel that we're journeying all the time now into something a lot more invigorating and exciting.
our monks stuff is such a big part of that, and you lot are challenging me to question my understanding and my assumptions.
i felt that very much after our meal last week [which i loved...] and i feel it when i read this blog...
i'm very thankful for that.
and so, like the prayer says... 'god be in my head and in my understanding...'
si
*god was very definitely a 'he' back then...!
Monday, 30 July 2007
Thursday, 26 July 2007
Routine
I'm not sure quite why or how, but routine seems to make my life better.
Routine, while making my life better, does not come naturally for a variety of reasons.
I am a student and that role provides me (blesses me?? Curses me??) with an enormous amount of time-flexibility in my day with which to play...
I am naturally fairly gregarious and enjoy meeting up with people, spontaneously or otherwise, for food, drinks, chats and other exciting aspects of socialising which often moulds my day into something even less routine-like...
Finally, I am a bear of very little personal discipline and tend to allow myself too much lee-way for drifting and day-dreaming in such a way as to render any attempt at routine as void more often than not.
However, recently I have worked (reasonably) hard to address the above issues and have managed to attain a little more routine-ness in my life and quite frankly the results are gratifying.
Routine helps me to get up in the morning. Routine helps me to focus on some sort of meditative thinking time before getting up. Routine helps me to get into the office and do some work on my upgrade document. Routine helps me to eat better and more economically by spending time cooking at home. Routine helps me to get to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can face the following day with some strength.
Note that I didn't mention socialising... Routine isn't quite able to stop me from conducting my spontaneous and other kinds of social encounters. To be honest I wouldn't really want it to either. There's only so much routine I can take after all.
Routine, while making my life better, does not come naturally for a variety of reasons.
I am a student and that role provides me (blesses me?? Curses me??) with an enormous amount of time-flexibility in my day with which to play...
I am naturally fairly gregarious and enjoy meeting up with people, spontaneously or otherwise, for food, drinks, chats and other exciting aspects of socialising which often moulds my day into something even less routine-like...
Finally, I am a bear of very little personal discipline and tend to allow myself too much lee-way for drifting and day-dreaming in such a way as to render any attempt at routine as void more often than not.
However, recently I have worked (reasonably) hard to address the above issues and have managed to attain a little more routine-ness in my life and quite frankly the results are gratifying.
Routine helps me to get up in the morning. Routine helps me to focus on some sort of meditative thinking time before getting up. Routine helps me to get into the office and do some work on my upgrade document. Routine helps me to eat better and more economically by spending time cooking at home. Routine helps me to get to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can face the following day with some strength.
Note that I didn't mention socialising... Routine isn't quite able to stop me from conducting my spontaneous and other kinds of social encounters. To be honest I wouldn't really want it to either. There's only so much routine I can take after all.
Tuesday, 24 July 2007
Prayer changes things
Following on from our chat last night (which was great, by the way). Today I've been thinking about how prayer changes things.
It's a big subject, but I've got as far as realising that in my experience, the main thing that prayer changes is me.
By having a conversation with God, I become aware of his presence and power already at work all around me, and start to notice her fingerprints on the issues that I'm bringing to her.
I'm glad that in the talking, and listening, and the space between us, and his Spirit in us, I am learning so much more than through just thinking or reading, or reflecting - it's the interplay of her voice and mine, her thoughts and mine, her perspective and mine which really challenges me, and is able to change me if I let it.
James
PS Did I hear Si refer to God as "Father or Mother" yesterday? Mmmm - maybe prayer changes other people's perspectives too! ;)
It's a big subject, but I've got as far as realising that in my experience, the main thing that prayer changes is me.
By having a conversation with God, I become aware of his presence and power already at work all around me, and start to notice her fingerprints on the issues that I'm bringing to her.
I'm glad that in the talking, and listening, and the space between us, and his Spirit in us, I am learning so much more than through just thinking or reading, or reflecting - it's the interplay of her voice and mine, her thoughts and mine, her perspective and mine which really challenges me, and is able to change me if I let it.
James
PS Did I hear Si refer to God as "Father or Mother" yesterday? Mmmm - maybe prayer changes other people's perspectives too! ;)
Sunday, 22 July 2007
Late entry
I'm afraid I forgot about the entry I was due to make on Thursday. I don't intend to remedy that by this entry, but I did want to put a link up to reallivepreacher's blog as he recently wrote a beautiful piece that I think we'd all find inspiring. Here's the link http://www.reallivepreacher.com/node/1363. And also I wanted to thank Si for managing to still write his entries despite his schedule and the fact that he feels a bit overwhelmed by life right now.
Monday, 16 July 2007
still not much...
finding life a bit of a slog still. not helped by malfunctioning email and kids' friends breaking my draughtsmens pens...!
this whole monastic thing is easier and much more productive when life is going smoothly... makes me realise how much i need to get these disciplines embedded in daily routine, how much i need to internalise the principles of silence and virtue and obedience and stuff so that they remain part of my life even when things are tough. so that they're not the first thing to fall by the wayside when things get busy...
si
this whole monastic thing is easier and much more productive when life is going smoothly... makes me realise how much i need to get these disciplines embedded in daily routine, how much i need to internalise the principles of silence and virtue and obedience and stuff so that they remain part of my life even when things are tough. so that they're not the first thing to fall by the wayside when things get busy...
si
Monday, 9 July 2007
nothing
nothing much to say agin this week. very much bogged down in work and not really able to get my head around much else if i'm honest. i feel like i'm totally submerged at the mo, but i know that when i come up for air [probably around greenbelt time, at this rate!], you lot'll be there and that's good... bear with me in the meantime...
si
si
Thursday, 5 July 2007
Hospitality
Recently I’ve been thinking about how I can become more hospitable in my everyday life. In "I Was a Stranger: A Christian Theology of Hospitality", Arthur Sutherland reminds us of the passage of the goats and the sheep and points out that this passage underlines the importance of Christian hospitality: that we are to be judged not necessarily on our good and bad deeds but on whether we demonstrated hospitality in our lives; whether we welcomed the disenfranchised and the stranger by feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. In the conclusion Sutherland shows how Jesus’ own way of demonstrating hospitality was entirely unplanned and spontaneous: he saw people’s pain and responded to it in the way he knew how; by talking to them, healing them and forgiving them their sins. He points out that the Church has not always followed this example – that we may practice a form of hospitality through meetings and gatherings and weekly events etc, but that Jesus’ hospitality was remarkable for its casualness – his ability to ‘see’ people’s needs and respond to them there and then. He was welcoming whenever and wherever he encountered the stranger.
I was particularly inspired by this discussion by Sutherland as it triggers a memory of a shift in my thinking that coincided with my withdrawal from a formalised church system. I had started to realise that I was uncomfortable with how hard the Church works to drag “the unsaved” to endless events, meetings and conferences within church buildings and premises, while seemingly unable to visit, welcome or encounter people in their own settings and premises. It seemed to me that though I was happy for church buildings to be used for those who felt at ease and welcomed in them, I was increasingly less happy with the Church emphasis on trying to persuade everyone that they were obliged to become part of the Christian system in order to encounter Jesus-like hospitality. I felt that there had to be some other way for Christians to welcome people and show them this kind of generous hospitality.
But not only did reading Sutherland’s book on the importance of hospitality remind me of that particular shift in my thinking. It also made me think about whether I now needed to take hospitality a little more seriously, and whether I might have unwittingly committed the error of throwing the baby out with the proverbial bathwater. The question is if I’m not going to work away on services to bring people into Church, how am I going to work to welcome people where they are? It’s all very well sanctimoniously looking down my nose at Christian events, meetings and conferences that are aimed at “reaching out” to people, but there has to be a way I practice hospitality in my everyday life (albeit in a different way) or I’ve missed the point of the lesson entirely. I lose one of the most important aspects of Jesus’ life and – dare I say it – reasons for being. He welcomed the disenfranchised and the stranger… wherever and whenever he found them. He fed the hungry and clothed the naked. He healed and forgave; he talked to those who begged for his attention. There’s no way I could manage that all the time but I want to try to do that at least some of the time for at least a few people, wherever and I find myself and whenever the opportunity may arise.
I was particularly inspired by this discussion by Sutherland as it triggers a memory of a shift in my thinking that coincided with my withdrawal from a formalised church system. I had started to realise that I was uncomfortable with how hard the Church works to drag “the unsaved” to endless events, meetings and conferences within church buildings and premises, while seemingly unable to visit, welcome or encounter people in their own settings and premises. It seemed to me that though I was happy for church buildings to be used for those who felt at ease and welcomed in them, I was increasingly less happy with the Church emphasis on trying to persuade everyone that they were obliged to become part of the Christian system in order to encounter Jesus-like hospitality. I felt that there had to be some other way for Christians to welcome people and show them this kind of generous hospitality.
But not only did reading Sutherland’s book on the importance of hospitality remind me of that particular shift in my thinking. It also made me think about whether I now needed to take hospitality a little more seriously, and whether I might have unwittingly committed the error of throwing the baby out with the proverbial bathwater. The question is if I’m not going to work away on services to bring people into Church, how am I going to work to welcome people where they are? It’s all very well sanctimoniously looking down my nose at Christian events, meetings and conferences that are aimed at “reaching out” to people, but there has to be a way I practice hospitality in my everyday life (albeit in a different way) or I’ve missed the point of the lesson entirely. I lose one of the most important aspects of Jesus’ life and – dare I say it – reasons for being. He welcomed the disenfranchised and the stranger… wherever and whenever he found them. He fed the hungry and clothed the naked. He healed and forgave; he talked to those who begged for his attention. There’s no way I could manage that all the time but I want to try to do that at least some of the time for at least a few people, wherever and I find myself and whenever the opportunity may arise.
Tuesday, 3 July 2007
big rocks
Last night, driving us back home, Esther said how my workplan story was like the rocks and sand analogy:
If you start filling a jar with sand, and then gravel, you may run out of room for larger rocks ... but if you put the rocks in first, then the sand etc will fit around the rocks.
And I really loved that analogy. So I'm thinking ... what are the 'rocks' in my life, the things to put in the jar first? I think I'll try practising what I preach, and write on an A4 sheet what my 'rocks' are, and try referring to it, first thing each day and putting in the rocks first.
There will always be room for the sand.
For me, the rocks are the things that I always intend to do, but never get around to doing because I fill my days with other things, and there's no room left over.
So this includes:
- clearing out the mess in James' and my room
- reading the Green Apples II partial manuscript sent to me by Jean Willans
- putting together a central contacts directory of people I know so that I'm not forever searching for contact details when I need them
- and of course, monastic rhythms ... starting the day with prayer and reflection
There are my rocks ... I invite you to keep me accountable :-)
If you start filling a jar with sand, and then gravel, you may run out of room for larger rocks ... but if you put the rocks in first, then the sand etc will fit around the rocks.
And I really loved that analogy. So I'm thinking ... what are the 'rocks' in my life, the things to put in the jar first? I think I'll try practising what I preach, and write on an A4 sheet what my 'rocks' are, and try referring to it, first thing each day and putting in the rocks first.
There will always be room for the sand.
For me, the rocks are the things that I always intend to do, but never get around to doing because I fill my days with other things, and there's no room left over.
So this includes:
- clearing out the mess in James' and my room
- reading the Green Apples II partial manuscript sent to me by Jean Willans
- putting together a central contacts directory of people I know so that I'm not forever searching for contact details when I need them
- and of course, monastic rhythms ... starting the day with prayer and reflection
There are my rocks ... I invite you to keep me accountable :-)
Sunday, 1 July 2007
apathy/frustration
Hi guys,
Missed my slot on Friday, so I'm squeezing in tonight!!
Feeling quite apathetic at the moment to all this stuff. Find sometimes this way of communicating helpful and other times just a drag!
I can also feel frustrated at the talk that we do without actually getting anywhere.
Life feels very full and busy, sometimes I feel like I absorb a lot from people around me both family, friends and work colleagues.
I feel like I sit back and take it all in but then don't really know how to respond because I actually don't bother to try and work out what I want.
I miss being part of a church group in the bigger sense. I grew up in a community of church but it certainly wasn't always comfortable and home created tension as my dad wasn't a christian.
Church in many ways offers me sanctuary because I know it gives me space to think and yet I also know my journey has taken me away from the conventional church but I yearn for the fellowship and spirituality that I have experienced there.
I respond to certain leaders who inspire and lead and create space for the spontaneous and unexpected.
However I'm aware of my own responsibility here and know that I shouldn't be reliant on a 'leader'.
I feel that I've been at this point for quite a while now.
I also feel frustrated at not being able to move myself on.
I embrace the monks stuff wholeheartedly and yet still need soem inspiration. I'm too lazy/apathetic I feel to make this seriously impact on me and my faith.
At times I feel I have such a simple faith and feel that God is involved in my life completely in all my actions and conversations-do I need more than this? do I need to continue to strive?
I'm not sure I even know what I'm looking for ( feel a song coming on )
Better stop
See you all tomorrow.
sue
Missed my slot on Friday, so I'm squeezing in tonight!!
Feeling quite apathetic at the moment to all this stuff. Find sometimes this way of communicating helpful and other times just a drag!
I can also feel frustrated at the talk that we do without actually getting anywhere.
Life feels very full and busy, sometimes I feel like I absorb a lot from people around me both family, friends and work colleagues.
I feel like I sit back and take it all in but then don't really know how to respond because I actually don't bother to try and work out what I want.
I miss being part of a church group in the bigger sense. I grew up in a community of church but it certainly wasn't always comfortable and home created tension as my dad wasn't a christian.
Church in many ways offers me sanctuary because I know it gives me space to think and yet I also know my journey has taken me away from the conventional church but I yearn for the fellowship and spirituality that I have experienced there.
I respond to certain leaders who inspire and lead and create space for the spontaneous and unexpected.
However I'm aware of my own responsibility here and know that I shouldn't be reliant on a 'leader'.
I feel that I've been at this point for quite a while now.
I also feel frustrated at not being able to move myself on.
I embrace the monks stuff wholeheartedly and yet still need soem inspiration. I'm too lazy/apathetic I feel to make this seriously impact on me and my faith.
At times I feel I have such a simple faith and feel that God is involved in my life completely in all my actions and conversations-do I need more than this? do I need to continue to strive?
I'm not sure I even know what I'm looking for ( feel a song coming on )
Better stop
See you all tomorrow.
sue
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
not sure
I'm really not sure what to write about this week. I haven't done brilliantly with stillness, silence or prayer, and I'm feeling ambivalent about God-stuff in general. I feel at the moment that I'm loving the idea of God, but not really God him/herself. Has God just been a comfort blanket for me this week? Probably. I think I'm still processing a lot of stuff regarding the Bible and church, and where and who we put our faith in. I just read Si's post, and think it would be good to talk about this, as I feel like it would help us as a group to chat more outside of our meetings.
I hope you are all well, and loving better than me! ;) I'm going to stop now, and email y'all about this stuff.
James
I hope you are all well, and loving better than me! ;) I'm going to stop now, and email y'all about this stuff.
James
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
in brief
Sorry to have been so neglectful here ... and I haven't got much to say today either ...
And this is really short notice, but my friend is organising an Open Mic happening at the Brudenell Social Club tonight, and I'm going to head over there soon to help set up ... will be singing a couple of tunes as well ... do drop by if you fancy! It's £4 in.
I haven't been very disciplined with morning/evening prayers over the past few weeks ... though am still doing the 'God be in my head' prayer most mornings ... but am having an amazing time of realisations all the time these days ... you can check my personal blog for more details if interested in reading my ruminations ...
Soz to be so disorganised/uncontemplative!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See y'all next week and I look forward to having a thorough read of your blogs on the weekend.
And this is really short notice, but my friend is organising an Open Mic happening at the Brudenell Social Club tonight, and I'm going to head over there soon to help set up ... will be singing a couple of tunes as well ... do drop by if you fancy! It's £4 in.
I haven't been very disciplined with morning/evening prayers over the past few weeks ... though am still doing the 'God be in my head' prayer most mornings ... but am having an amazing time of realisations all the time these days ... you can check my personal blog for more details if interested in reading my ruminations ...
Soz to be so disorganised/uncontemplative!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See y'all next week and I look forward to having a thorough read of your blogs on the weekend.
Monday, 25 June 2007
church/Church
apologies again in advance for the rambly-ness of this post...
james shaw was round yesterday, to slap some fibre glass on jesus' bottom [don't ask]
we had a good chat about a whole load of stuff, including revive and the way it operates - both the good and the bad aspects of that - we touched on stuff about prophets, and authority, and leadership, and the extent to which folk in churches make themselves accountable to their leaders and to each other...
anyway, i came away with a renewed sense of just how far out of Church my journey has taken me.
in one sense, i'm still part of church - as in the sense of the family of god. using the word church in that way, i am, and i hope that i always will be, churched.
but in the sense of membership of the Institution, in submitting myself to the authority and hierarchy and organisational practices of a Church or denomination... well i'm long gone... talking to james made me realize again just how far behind me that all is.
[and that doesn't mean that i think of myself as any better than folk who love the Church instutions and have chosen to stay and do their faith there. just that our journeys are very different.]
[and sometimes on the journey you have cause to pause and look back and see how far you've travelled...]
so.
if i'm not a part of Church anymore, what am i part of?
what's the template that'll frame the faith thing for me now?
how do i make it work outside the context of a Church fellowship thing?
i think it's the monastic model.
it's not like i've not known this for a while. more that talking with james gave me a refreshed perspective about where i'm headed. and i'm left thinking again that i need to be more intentional about the monastic thing - i can't afford to let it drift...
and that in itself throws up a whole load of questions in my mind about our group, and how formal we are/can be as a group, and how intentional and committed we are or might want to be or might become; to each other and to what we create together...
as usual, i have no answers, but these are the things i'm pondering...
for my part, i feel that maybe i've been dabbling with it for long enough now - could be time to take a deep breath dive in...? what do you all reckon?
si
james shaw was round yesterday, to slap some fibre glass on jesus' bottom [don't ask]
we had a good chat about a whole load of stuff, including revive and the way it operates - both the good and the bad aspects of that - we touched on stuff about prophets, and authority, and leadership, and the extent to which folk in churches make themselves accountable to their leaders and to each other...
anyway, i came away with a renewed sense of just how far out of Church my journey has taken me.
in one sense, i'm still part of church - as in the sense of the family of god. using the word church in that way, i am, and i hope that i always will be, churched.
but in the sense of membership of the Institution, in submitting myself to the authority and hierarchy and organisational practices of a Church or denomination... well i'm long gone... talking to james made me realize again just how far behind me that all is.
[and that doesn't mean that i think of myself as any better than folk who love the Church instutions and have chosen to stay and do their faith there. just that our journeys are very different.]
[and sometimes on the journey you have cause to pause and look back and see how far you've travelled...]
so.
if i'm not a part of Church anymore, what am i part of?
what's the template that'll frame the faith thing for me now?
how do i make it work outside the context of a Church fellowship thing?
i think it's the monastic model.
it's not like i've not known this for a while. more that talking with james gave me a refreshed perspective about where i'm headed. and i'm left thinking again that i need to be more intentional about the monastic thing - i can't afford to let it drift...
and that in itself throws up a whole load of questions in my mind about our group, and how formal we are/can be as a group, and how intentional and committed we are or might want to be or might become; to each other and to what we create together...
as usual, i have no answers, but these are the things i'm pondering...
for my part, i feel that maybe i've been dabbling with it for long enough now - could be time to take a deep breath dive in...? what do you all reckon?
si
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Learning
I'm approaching this in the wrong way today and yet I will go ahead anyway.
Let me explain. I'm currently unable to access the internet at home (except by stealing a connection off the neighbours which I have to admit - I do do... But it's just not that reliable!). Therefore I am having to write this blog entry from uni where I have come for just a couple of hours to get some emailing done.
I am therefore not in a 'thoughtful' place and certianly not feeling like I can contribute much wisdom to the pot today.
However I did want to say that I have found other people's entries really helpful for my learning. James talked yesterday about getting away from 'knowing' everything about God. This is important for me to embrace as I have become a bit sceptical about my faith over these past few years and that is partly due to having had a similar experience to James in terms of growing up in a tradition that sought to explain everything in the Bible and everything in life through the prism of an omnipotent and omniscient being called God.
Now that I'm learning to let go of some of that need to explain things, I am also starting to let go of some of my scepticism which arose as a direct result of having explained everything in black and white for so long that when black and white let me down I couldn't see the other colours anymore, I couldn't see them for the grey, just like I hadn't been able to see the grey for the black and white. My metaphor is a complicated one but I hope it makes some sense.
All I know is that I'm learning. And James, Leesun, Si and Sue are helping me do that right now so thank you for your entries guys.
Let me explain. I'm currently unable to access the internet at home (except by stealing a connection off the neighbours which I have to admit - I do do... But it's just not that reliable!). Therefore I am having to write this blog entry from uni where I have come for just a couple of hours to get some emailing done.
I am therefore not in a 'thoughtful' place and certianly not feeling like I can contribute much wisdom to the pot today.
However I did want to say that I have found other people's entries really helpful for my learning. James talked yesterday about getting away from 'knowing' everything about God. This is important for me to embrace as I have become a bit sceptical about my faith over these past few years and that is partly due to having had a similar experience to James in terms of growing up in a tradition that sought to explain everything in the Bible and everything in life through the prism of an omnipotent and omniscient being called God.
Now that I'm learning to let go of some of that need to explain things, I am also starting to let go of some of my scepticism which arose as a direct result of having explained everything in black and white for so long that when black and white let me down I couldn't see the other colours anymore, I couldn't see them for the grey, just like I hadn't been able to see the grey for the black and white. My metaphor is a complicated one but I hope it makes some sense.
All I know is that I'm learning. And James, Leesun, Si and Sue are helping me do that right now so thank you for your entries guys.
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Timing
Ey up! Well, we'll be seeing you this evening, but I thought I'd get my 10p's worth in before then. Sorry I missed it last week, was all over the place with tiredness, etc. This week I'm compensating by blogging at 6am!!!
I thought I'd share a bit on timing, as that seems to be something God's nudging me about at the moment. Specifically, learning to WAIT on him/her/them. I'm a right one for presuming I know more than I do about God and all things God-related - part of this is due to being brought up in a very modern church and home environment where God was often pretty much reduced to this set of texts (the Bible and commentaries) whereby you could "prove" almost anything. This had the 2 outcomes of encouraging my arrogance about my knowledge, and dehumanising (depersonalising?) God in my perception and experience.
Thanks to God (and in part to Monks) that's all changing again, and one of the main changes is that I'm learning a little bit of what it means to wait on God. And it is a tiny bit, but it's lovely, because it's very real again, and I don't feel any compulsion to 'prove' it to anyone (least myself) by using the Bible or clever theology.
Anyway, what this boils down to is that I'm realising that just like lots of other people who I know and love, God often has different ways of doing, seeing, saying things than me, and if I want to get on better with him/her/them, then I need to chill out, not be pushy, but ask, and seek, and knock, and wait until God shows, tells, meets me in the way that he/she/they want.
That's it for now. Hope you're all well, and look forward to seeing you tonight :)
James
I thought I'd share a bit on timing, as that seems to be something God's nudging me about at the moment. Specifically, learning to WAIT on him/her/them. I'm a right one for presuming I know more than I do about God and all things God-related - part of this is due to being brought up in a very modern church and home environment where God was often pretty much reduced to this set of texts (the Bible and commentaries) whereby you could "prove" almost anything. This had the 2 outcomes of encouraging my arrogance about my knowledge, and dehumanising (depersonalising?) God in my perception and experience.
Thanks to God (and in part to Monks) that's all changing again, and one of the main changes is that I'm learning a little bit of what it means to wait on God. And it is a tiny bit, but it's lovely, because it's very real again, and I don't feel any compulsion to 'prove' it to anyone (least myself) by using the Bible or clever theology.
Anyway, what this boils down to is that I'm realising that just like lots of other people who I know and love, God often has different ways of doing, seeing, saying things than me, and if I want to get on better with him/her/them, then I need to chill out, not be pushy, but ask, and seek, and knock, and wait until God shows, tells, meets me in the way that he/she/they want.
That's it for now. Hope you're all well, and look forward to seeing you tonight :)
James
Monday, 18 June 2007
more random stuff
aye up!
another monday and i've nothing hugely profound or coherent to blog [again]
but here are some random things, all the same...
i've realised that without meaning to, i've taken on esther's resolution for spending more time outside.
the extension/building site has a roof, so even when it's wet [and boy has it been wet here recently!] i can get out into the open air and do my moring solitude/silence thing. i'm still loving that.
i'm being more obedient at home. spending more time with eddie in particular has been good this past week. [he's a kid who needs you to make time for him, because he doesn't demand attention like joe does...] so i'm pleased about that.
i'm lifting my head more when i'm out and about - the result is more conversations, more folk in the neighbourhood met and engaged with.
and i've sort of attended to the issue of vitue that we've had. it's not resolved, really, but then it's always going to be an ongoing thing, and it feels good to have begun to get to grips with it...
si
another monday and i've nothing hugely profound or coherent to blog [again]
but here are some random things, all the same...
i've realised that without meaning to, i've taken on esther's resolution for spending more time outside.
the extension/building site has a roof, so even when it's wet [and boy has it been wet here recently!] i can get out into the open air and do my moring solitude/silence thing. i'm still loving that.
i'm being more obedient at home. spending more time with eddie in particular has been good this past week. [he's a kid who needs you to make time for him, because he doesn't demand attention like joe does...] so i'm pleased about that.
i'm lifting my head more when i'm out and about - the result is more conversations, more folk in the neighbourhood met and engaged with.
and i've sort of attended to the issue of vitue that we've had. it's not resolved, really, but then it's always going to be an ongoing thing, and it feels good to have begun to get to grips with it...
si
Friday, 15 June 2007
Time passes
Hi guys,
Sorry I seem to have missed my slot the last couple of weeks. One week we were on holiday and last week I can't even remember!!
We are approaching a momentous day in our family as Eddie becomes 10 on Tuesday. I can't quite believe it is 10 years since this amazing bundle of life arrived. We were thrust into parenthood without having much idea as to what it would entail. For the early years it was about physical loving and nurturing, but as the baby turned to toddler to little boy to much bigger boy, it has become about loving the person he is and will become,about loving when you don't like what you hear or see and loving him through his own emotional development and standing back to let him work things out for himself.
Last Saturday saw the anniversary of my Dad's death, 20 years ago! A significant passage of time, a lifetime for some people! A sense of sadness as always, particularly for the 7 grandchildren he never met. Grief no longer grips me with such intensity or pain, nor is it my every waking thought but even 20 years on I can be instantly back to that moment and experience the reality of it all over again. Does time heal? No I don't believe on its own that it does. Mine came from a direct experience of God's intervention. Time is a reality, it allows distance between you and the event , it allows for a more thoughtful response, it allows you to look back and see how God has been at work but of itself I can't pin it down. 10 years, 20 years 30 years what does it matter. My life is a journey and these events are part of it, something that happened yesterday I've already forgotten but something 10 or 20 years ago I remember in minute detail.
Time passes and what I choose to do with my time is significant.
I remember reading something when Si and I were first married and it talked about 'wasting' time together, where time set aside to be us was important, not 'doing' things together but almost revelling in each others space.
I wonder if that's where I need to be with God, when time spent in solitude with him isn't about 'doing' but about 'wasting', where I enjoy just being in His presence.
sue
Sorry I seem to have missed my slot the last couple of weeks. One week we were on holiday and last week I can't even remember!!
We are approaching a momentous day in our family as Eddie becomes 10 on Tuesday. I can't quite believe it is 10 years since this amazing bundle of life arrived. We were thrust into parenthood without having much idea as to what it would entail. For the early years it was about physical loving and nurturing, but as the baby turned to toddler to little boy to much bigger boy, it has become about loving the person he is and will become,about loving when you don't like what you hear or see and loving him through his own emotional development and standing back to let him work things out for himself.
Last Saturday saw the anniversary of my Dad's death, 20 years ago! A significant passage of time, a lifetime for some people! A sense of sadness as always, particularly for the 7 grandchildren he never met. Grief no longer grips me with such intensity or pain, nor is it my every waking thought but even 20 years on I can be instantly back to that moment and experience the reality of it all over again. Does time heal? No I don't believe on its own that it does. Mine came from a direct experience of God's intervention. Time is a reality, it allows distance between you and the event , it allows for a more thoughtful response, it allows you to look back and see how God has been at work but of itself I can't pin it down. 10 years, 20 years 30 years what does it matter. My life is a journey and these events are part of it, something that happened yesterday I've already forgotten but something 10 or 20 years ago I remember in minute detail.
Time passes and what I choose to do with my time is significant.
I remember reading something when Si and I were first married and it talked about 'wasting' time together, where time set aside to be us was important, not 'doing' things together but almost revelling in each others space.
I wonder if that's where I need to be with God, when time spent in solitude with him isn't about 'doing' but about 'wasting', where I enjoy just being in His presence.
sue
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
Returning home
Dear fellow monks,
I'm sorry for my inability to have joined in the conversation until now. And I'm sorry that today's not my day but I wanted to get in there as I've just read through the posts and feel inspired to chip in.
I've been away and now I'm home.
I love the familiarity of returning home, whether it's to a person or a place that feels like a safe zone of belonging - it always fills me with a special kind of joy.
But this time I'm returning in a slightly different way and with slightly different intentions. Being away for three months and reading Finding Sanctuary in foreign climes has encouraged me to change pace a little. To take time to feel my way slowly. To not rush and strive so much. OK I know what you're going to say - the 'not striving' kind of comes naturally anyway as working has never been my strong point!.
What I mean is that for me reading Finding Sanctuary has very much been about trying to find a way I can spend less time being sociable.
This might sound strange but before going away I got to the point where I felt drained from constantly seeing people and being out and about in social contexts. The thing is I love people. I love talking to people and I love being around people I love (or even just the ones I like). I don't think this is a bad thing but when I spend all my time rushing from appointment to appointment I think there's something not quite right because frankly - it has become a way of escaping. Escaping responsibility and escaping silence. I'm not good with silence.
I realise this may now be very long so I'm going to finish but I just wanted to say that I still want to be around people but I need to find ways to lead a calmer life and I reckon you guys can hold me to this a little. Because it can't be about becoming totally inward-looking - that would be selfish and wrong - but I have to learn how to have balance. Since I've been back I haven't rushed round seeing people. I've let things happen naturally and gently and I feel energised instead of paralised. I just hope I can carry on like this without giving in to the temptation of being ms social whirl again...
Having said all that, it's good to be home and I can't wait to see you all!
Esther
I'm sorry for my inability to have joined in the conversation until now. And I'm sorry that today's not my day but I wanted to get in there as I've just read through the posts and feel inspired to chip in.
I've been away and now I'm home.
I love the familiarity of returning home, whether it's to a person or a place that feels like a safe zone of belonging - it always fills me with a special kind of joy.
But this time I'm returning in a slightly different way and with slightly different intentions. Being away for three months and reading Finding Sanctuary in foreign climes has encouraged me to change pace a little. To take time to feel my way slowly. To not rush and strive so much. OK I know what you're going to say - the 'not striving' kind of comes naturally anyway as working has never been my strong point!.
What I mean is that for me reading Finding Sanctuary has very much been about trying to find a way I can spend less time being sociable.
This might sound strange but before going away I got to the point where I felt drained from constantly seeing people and being out and about in social contexts. The thing is I love people. I love talking to people and I love being around people I love (or even just the ones I like). I don't think this is a bad thing but when I spend all my time rushing from appointment to appointment I think there's something not quite right because frankly - it has become a way of escaping. Escaping responsibility and escaping silence. I'm not good with silence.
I realise this may now be very long so I'm going to finish but I just wanted to say that I still want to be around people but I need to find ways to lead a calmer life and I reckon you guys can hold me to this a little. Because it can't be about becoming totally inward-looking - that would be selfish and wrong - but I have to learn how to have balance. Since I've been back I haven't rushed round seeing people. I've let things happen naturally and gently and I feel energised instead of paralised. I just hope I can carry on like this without giving in to the temptation of being ms social whirl again...
Having said all that, it's good to be home and I can't wait to see you all!
Esther
Monday, 11 June 2007
random stuff
[aye up james, looks like it's just thee and me then - heh heh]
was thinking about the whole 'wrestling with demons' thing. no great insights, but i was wondering about that bit in the OT where jacob wrestles with the angel [it defeats him by dislocating his hip] and thinking about what the difference is - angels or demons... maybe it's about a shift in your perspective? pint pot half empty or half full sort of thing... or maybe it's about how far along the journey you are... whatever, i like the idea of wrestling with the angels...
been reading the obedience chapter in the book too, and realising that in my working life, i am very obdeient. my clients get a good service out of me and i'll bend over backwards to meet deadlines and stuff.
but at home, sue and the kids often get a bit of a raw deal - they suffer for my commitment to work. i'm much less obedient outside of my job. it's that old work/life balance thing again. so i need you all to challenge me and make me accountable for thinking and working through some changes on that front please...
also been thinking about virtue again. we've got a situation at the mo where we've not been particularly virtuous - not by anything that we've done, more by something that we've neglected - and it's weighing quite heavily on me at the mo. hold me to a commitment to do something about it...
si
was thinking about the whole 'wrestling with demons' thing. no great insights, but i was wondering about that bit in the OT where jacob wrestles with the angel [it defeats him by dislocating his hip] and thinking about what the difference is - angels or demons... maybe it's about a shift in your perspective? pint pot half empty or half full sort of thing... or maybe it's about how far along the journey you are... whatever, i like the idea of wrestling with the angels...
been reading the obedience chapter in the book too, and realising that in my working life, i am very obdeient. my clients get a good service out of me and i'll bend over backwards to meet deadlines and stuff.
but at home, sue and the kids often get a bit of a raw deal - they suffer for my commitment to work. i'm much less obedient outside of my job. it's that old work/life balance thing again. so i need you all to challenge me and make me accountable for thinking and working through some changes on that front please...
also been thinking about virtue again. we've got a situation at the mo where we've not been particularly virtuous - not by anything that we've done, more by something that we've neglected - and it's weighing quite heavily on me at the mo. hold me to a commitment to do something about it...
si
Wednesday, 6 June 2007
wrestling with demons
I'm feeling pretty rubbish this morning, as I've had yet another night where I dreamt of being in a very real situation where I struggled to do my best, yet was unable to achieve my goals once again. This has been a recurring dream since I've been in Canada.
All is still going excellently with LeeSun's recording / life in general (she sends her apologies for not getting to blog yesterday).
Going back to the demons, not exactly sure what they're called, but glad that they're manifesting as this feels like a step forward in (hopefully) defeating / dispelling them.
Don't know what else to write at the moment - hope this makes sense.
James
All is still going excellently with LeeSun's recording / life in general (she sends her apologies for not getting to blog yesterday).
Going back to the demons, not exactly sure what they're called, but glad that they're manifesting as this feels like a step forward in (hopefully) defeating / dispelling them.
Don't know what else to write at the moment - hope this makes sense.
James
Monday, 4 June 2007
understanding
we've been using this prayer for quite a while now -
god be in my head and in my understanding
god be in my eyes and in my looking
god be in my mouth and in my speaking
god be in my heart and in my thinking
god be at my end and at my departing
i start my day with it - since the weather's been a bit warmer i've got into a nice groove of sitting out side with a coffee before i start work and practicing a bit of silence and solitude. it's good.
it's a simple enough prayer, but there's real depths to explore in there. i feel like i'm learning over and over that prayer is not so much about me petitioning god, but about god seeking and awakening things out in me...
at different times different lines in the prayer strike a chord, different things leap out at me, or at least they'll shift fuzzily into a slightly clearer focus.
i was wondering at one point whether the prayer works sequentially - eg until we begin to understand we don't know what we're looking at; or maybe the challenge gets tougher and deeper as you progress through the prayer (understanding is easier or at least more passive than looking, which is less challenging than speaking, with a revolution in your way of thinking being hardest of all...?)
anyhow.
today i'm thinking about understanding.
and i love this paradox that is opening up for me at the mo - the more that i come to understand of god, the more i realise how little of god i actually do understand.
maybe the metaphor of the journey is appropriate here - the further we travel, the more we realise how many other places there are to go.
i like that god is continually bigger and more surprising than my understanding of him/her.
so i like the idea of inviting god to be in my head, asking god to shape my understanding.
i like the idea that it's a process, i like that i'm learning, that i'm not the finished article, that i'm becoming who i was created to be.
i like that i can see that process going on in sue and the boys too, and that i'm a part of that (albeit a rather flawed one most of the time)
and i like that i can see god at work in your lives too, and i like that i can be part of your journey.
si
god be in my head and in my understanding
god be in my eyes and in my looking
god be in my mouth and in my speaking
god be in my heart and in my thinking
god be at my end and at my departing
i start my day with it - since the weather's been a bit warmer i've got into a nice groove of sitting out side with a coffee before i start work and practicing a bit of silence and solitude. it's good.
it's a simple enough prayer, but there's real depths to explore in there. i feel like i'm learning over and over that prayer is not so much about me petitioning god, but about god seeking and awakening things out in me...
at different times different lines in the prayer strike a chord, different things leap out at me, or at least they'll shift fuzzily into a slightly clearer focus.
i was wondering at one point whether the prayer works sequentially - eg until we begin to understand we don't know what we're looking at; or maybe the challenge gets tougher and deeper as you progress through the prayer (understanding is easier or at least more passive than looking, which is less challenging than speaking, with a revolution in your way of thinking being hardest of all...?)
anyhow.
today i'm thinking about understanding.
and i love this paradox that is opening up for me at the mo - the more that i come to understand of god, the more i realise how little of god i actually do understand.
maybe the metaphor of the journey is appropriate here - the further we travel, the more we realise how many other places there are to go.
i like that god is continually bigger and more surprising than my understanding of him/her.
so i like the idea of inviting god to be in my head, asking god to shape my understanding.
i like the idea that it's a process, i like that i'm learning, that i'm not the finished article, that i'm becoming who i was created to be.
i like that i can see that process going on in sue and the boys too, and that i'm a part of that (albeit a rather flawed one most of the time)
and i like that i can see god at work in your lives too, and i like that i can be part of your journey.
si
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