'i never question god'

been listening to a track on an album by Ikon - the lyric goes "i never question god, i can only question my assumptions of god, i only question my understanding of god"

i like that thought, a lot.


for a very long time my mindset was that you must prove that god existed - that was Evangelism, that was what it was all about, that was the question -"does he* exist?"...
and so, to me, fellowship and worship and my understanding of the teaching of the church was all about affirming and reinforcing a very singular idea of god...

but over the past few years - through my alt-worship dabblings, revive, open space, and now our monk-y business - i've really let go of that sort of narrow, yes/no thinking about god and feel that we're journeying all the time now into something a lot more invigorating and exciting.

our monks stuff is such a big part of that, and you lot are challenging me to question my understanding and my assumptions.
i felt that very much after our meal last week [which i loved...] and i feel it when i read this blog...
i'm very thankful for that.

and so, like the prayer says... 'god be in my head and in my understanding...'

si





*god was very definitely a 'he' back then...!

Routine

I'm not sure quite why or how, but routine seems to make my life better.

Routine, while making my life better, does not come naturally for a variety of reasons.

I am a student and that role provides me (blesses me?? Curses me??) with an enormous amount of time-flexibility in my day with which to play...

I am naturally fairly gregarious and enjoy meeting up with people, spontaneously or otherwise, for food, drinks, chats and other exciting aspects of socialising which often moulds my day into something even less routine-like...

Finally, I am a bear of very little personal discipline and tend to allow myself too much lee-way for drifting and day-dreaming in such a way as to render any attempt at routine as void more often than not.

However, recently I have worked (reasonably) hard to address the above issues and have managed to attain a little more routine-ness in my life and quite frankly the results are gratifying.

Routine helps me to get up in the morning. Routine helps me to focus on some sort of meditative thinking time before getting up. Routine helps me to get into the office and do some work on my upgrade document. Routine helps me to eat better and more economically by spending time cooking at home. Routine helps me to get to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can face the following day with some strength.

Note that I didn't mention socialising... Routine isn't quite able to stop me from conducting my spontaneous and other kinds of social encounters. To be honest I wouldn't really want it to either. There's only so much routine I can take after all.

Prayer changes things

Following on from our chat last night (which was great, by the way). Today I've been thinking about how prayer changes things.

It's a big subject, but I've got as far as realising that in my experience, the main thing that prayer changes is me.

By having a conversation with God, I become aware of his presence and power already at work all around me, and start to notice her fingerprints on the issues that I'm bringing to her.

I'm glad that in the talking, and listening, and the space between us, and his Spirit in us, I am learning so much more than through just thinking or reading, or reflecting - it's the interplay of her voice and mine, her thoughts and mine, her perspective and mine which really challenges me, and is able to change me if I let it.

James

PS Did I hear Si refer to God as "Father or Mother" yesterday? Mmmm - maybe prayer changes other people's perspectives too! ;)

Late entry

I'm afraid I forgot about the entry I was due to make on Thursday. I don't intend to remedy that by this entry, but I did want to put a link up to reallivepreacher's blog as he recently wrote a beautiful piece that I think we'd all find inspiring. Here's the link http://www.reallivepreacher.com/node/1363. And also I wanted to thank Si for managing to still write his entries despite his schedule and the fact that he feels a bit overwhelmed by life right now.

still not much...

finding life a bit of a slog still. not helped by malfunctioning email and kids' friends breaking my draughtsmens pens...!

this whole monastic thing is easier and much more productive when life is going smoothly... makes me realise how much i need to get these disciplines embedded in daily routine, how much i need to internalise the principles of silence and virtue and obedience and stuff so that they remain part of my life even when things are tough. so that they're not the first thing to fall by the wayside when things get busy...

si

nothing

nothing much to say agin this week. very much bogged down in work and not really able to get my head around much else if i'm honest. i feel like i'm totally submerged at the mo, but i know that when i come up for air [probably around greenbelt time, at this rate!], you lot'll be there and that's good... bear with me in the meantime...

si

Hospitality

Recently I’ve been thinking about how I can become more hospitable in my everyday life. In "I Was a Stranger: A Christian Theology of Hospitality", Arthur Sutherland reminds us of the passage of the goats and the sheep and points out that this passage underlines the importance of Christian hospitality: that we are to be judged not necessarily on our good and bad deeds but on whether we demonstrated hospitality in our lives; whether we welcomed the disenfranchised and the stranger by feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. In the conclusion Sutherland shows how Jesus’ own way of demonstrating hospitality was entirely unplanned and spontaneous: he saw people’s pain and responded to it in the way he knew how; by talking to them, healing them and forgiving them their sins. He points out that the Church has not always followed this example – that we may practice a form of hospitality through meetings and gatherings and weekly events etc, but that Jesus’ hospitality was remarkable for its casualness – his ability to ‘see’ people’s needs and respond to them there and then. He was welcoming whenever and wherever he encountered the stranger.

I was particularly inspired by this discussion by Sutherland as it triggers a memory of a shift in my thinking that coincided with my withdrawal from a formalised church system. I had started to realise that I was uncomfortable with how hard the Church works to drag “the unsaved” to endless events, meetings and conferences within church buildings and premises, while seemingly unable to visit, welcome or encounter people in their own settings and premises. It seemed to me that though I was happy for church buildings to be used for those who felt at ease and welcomed in them, I was increasingly less happy with the Church emphasis on trying to persuade everyone that they were obliged to become part of the Christian system in order to encounter Jesus-like hospitality. I felt that there had to be some other way for Christians to welcome people and show them this kind of generous hospitality.

But not only did reading Sutherland’s book on the importance of hospitality remind me of that particular shift in my thinking. It also made me think about whether I now needed to take hospitality a little more seriously, and whether I might have unwittingly committed the error of throwing the baby out with the proverbial bathwater. The question is if I’m not going to work away on services to bring people into Church, how am I going to work to welcome people where they are? It’s all very well sanctimoniously looking down my nose at Christian events, meetings and conferences that are aimed at “reaching out” to people, but there has to be a way I practice hospitality in my everyday life (albeit in a different way) or I’ve missed the point of the lesson entirely. I lose one of the most important aspects of Jesus’ life and – dare I say it – reasons for being. He welcomed the disenfranchised and the stranger… wherever and whenever he found them. He fed the hungry and clothed the naked. He healed and forgave; he talked to those who begged for his attention. There’s no way I could manage that all the time but I want to try to do that at least some of the time for at least a few people, wherever and I find myself and whenever the opportunity may arise.

big rocks

Last night, driving us back home, Esther said how my workplan story was like the rocks and sand analogy:

If you start filling a jar with sand, and then gravel, you may run out of room for larger rocks ... but if you put the rocks in first, then the sand etc will fit around the rocks.

And I really loved that analogy. So I'm thinking ... what are the 'rocks' in my life, the things to put in the jar first? I think I'll try practising what I preach, and write on an A4 sheet what my 'rocks' are, and try referring to it, first thing each day and putting in the rocks first.

There will always be room for the sand.

For me, the rocks are the things that I always intend to do, but never get around to doing because I fill my days with other things, and there's no room left over.

So this includes:

- clearing out the mess in James' and my room
- reading the Green Apples II partial manuscript sent to me by Jean Willans
- putting together a central contacts directory of people I know so that I'm not forever searching for contact details when I need them
- and of course, monastic rhythms ... starting the day with prayer and reflection

There are my rocks ... I invite you to keep me accountable :-)

apathy/frustration

Hi guys,
Missed my slot on Friday, so I'm squeezing in tonight!!
Feeling quite apathetic at the moment to all this stuff. Find sometimes this way of communicating helpful and other times just a drag!
I can also feel frustrated at the talk that we do without actually getting anywhere.
Life feels very full and busy, sometimes I feel like I absorb a lot from people around me both family, friends and work colleagues.
I feel like I sit back and take it all in but then don't really know how to respond because I actually don't bother to try and work out what I want.

I miss being part of a church group in the bigger sense. I grew up in a community of church but it certainly wasn't always comfortable and home created tension as my dad wasn't a christian.
Church in many ways offers me sanctuary because I know it gives me space to think and yet I also know my journey has taken me away from the conventional church but I yearn for the fellowship and spirituality that I have experienced there.

I respond to certain leaders who inspire and lead and create space for the spontaneous and unexpected.
However I'm aware of my own responsibility here and know that I shouldn't be reliant on a 'leader'.
I feel that I've been at this point for quite a while now.
I also feel frustrated at not being able to move myself on.
I embrace the monks stuff wholeheartedly and yet still need soem inspiration. I'm too lazy/apathetic I feel to make this seriously impact on me and my faith.
At times I feel I have such a simple faith and feel that God is involved in my life completely in all my actions and conversations-do I need more than this? do I need to continue to strive?
I'm not sure I even know what I'm looking for ( feel a song coming on )
Better stop
See you all tomorrow.

sue