apathy/frustration

Hi guys,
Missed my slot on Friday, so I'm squeezing in tonight!!
Feeling quite apathetic at the moment to all this stuff. Find sometimes this way of communicating helpful and other times just a drag!
I can also feel frustrated at the talk that we do without actually getting anywhere.
Life feels very full and busy, sometimes I feel like I absorb a lot from people around me both family, friends and work colleagues.
I feel like I sit back and take it all in but then don't really know how to respond because I actually don't bother to try and work out what I want.

I miss being part of a church group in the bigger sense. I grew up in a community of church but it certainly wasn't always comfortable and home created tension as my dad wasn't a christian.
Church in many ways offers me sanctuary because I know it gives me space to think and yet I also know my journey has taken me away from the conventional church but I yearn for the fellowship and spirituality that I have experienced there.

I respond to certain leaders who inspire and lead and create space for the spontaneous and unexpected.
However I'm aware of my own responsibility here and know that I shouldn't be reliant on a 'leader'.
I feel that I've been at this point for quite a while now.
I also feel frustrated at not being able to move myself on.
I embrace the monks stuff wholeheartedly and yet still need soem inspiration. I'm too lazy/apathetic I feel to make this seriously impact on me and my faith.
At times I feel I have such a simple faith and feel that God is involved in my life completely in all my actions and conversations-do I need more than this? do I need to continue to strive?
I'm not sure I even know what I'm looking for ( feel a song coming on )
Better stop
See you all tomorrow.

sue