My dear Grandma - Phyllis Melville Richards - died yesterday evening around seven. Thankfully we've been prepared for her death, and since she reached the impressive age of ninety-nine, the overwhelming emotion is one of thankfulness: for her long life and the years she's influenced our lives.
Death holds a different sort of sadness when someone has fulfilled their "allotted" time and lived a good number of years. But it's still sad when I think of her previous vibrancy and energy: I want to be able to return to some of those moments in my past and re-live them with her - to remember. It seems like a long time until I'll see her again.
God be in her understanding, in her eyes, in her mouth, in her heart and in her departing.
When I pray those words I see her blending with the colours of the sky, the earth, the sea and the sun... I see her soul soaring like a swallow into the blue, blue expanse of eternity. I feel like she knows I am here and she is there. Whether or not we are together - we are at least not completely apart. Whatever that may mean.
Thursday 22 November 2007
Thursday 1 November 2007
Listening prayer
That thing you said Si about prayer being more about listening than saying - that makes a lot of sense.
I once read a whole book on listening prayer. I remember it being brilliant but suggesting quite a time-consuming method of ensuring that one was praying in a listening manner - something to do with a ring-binder and writing lots down I seem to recall...
I think it's more helpful to use the simple structure of the 'Jesus' prayer or our 'God be' prayer like you suggest.
I'm currently reading another John O'Donohue book - Anam Cara - (which translates as 'soul friend'). It has a lot of lovely illustrations of how Celtic Christians did things like prayer - just the sort of thing we love at 'monks'. I might have to bring it along on Monday...
In the meantime. I'm going to keep praying and listening and drifting and listening and soaking and praying and thinking and listening. Hopefully some sort of rhythm will emerge out of the melange of meditation. One day.
Esther
I once read a whole book on listening prayer. I remember it being brilliant but suggesting quite a time-consuming method of ensuring that one was praying in a listening manner - something to do with a ring-binder and writing lots down I seem to recall...
I think it's more helpful to use the simple structure of the 'Jesus' prayer or our 'God be' prayer like you suggest.
I'm currently reading another John O'Donohue book - Anam Cara - (which translates as 'soul friend'). It has a lot of lovely illustrations of how Celtic Christians did things like prayer - just the sort of thing we love at 'monks'. I might have to bring it along on Monday...
In the meantime. I'm going to keep praying and listening and drifting and listening and soaking and praying and thinking and listening. Hopefully some sort of rhythm will emerge out of the melange of meditation. One day.
Esther
Monday 29 October 2007
more prayer thoughts...
i like what you're saying about the prayer esther...
i'm finding myself praying the jesus prayer quite a lot - 'lord jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me, a sinner' - and at random times too...
i'm also doing the breathing thing with it [breathing in = 'lord...god' and out = 'have... sinner']
getting into that rhythm really helps somehow - it works for me with the 'god be...' prayer too...
i really like the idea that prayer is about saying as little as possible, and listening as much as you can. with some things that i'm praying about at the mo, i have absolutely no idea what to ask god to do, and so it's comforting to have the repetition of a set prayer... you can just bring the situation to god and trust him/her with it...
si
i'm finding myself praying the jesus prayer quite a lot - 'lord jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me, a sinner' - and at random times too...
i'm also doing the breathing thing with it [breathing in = 'lord...god' and out = 'have... sinner']
getting into that rhythm really helps somehow - it works for me with the 'god be...' prayer too...
i really like the idea that prayer is about saying as little as possible, and listening as much as you can. with some things that i'm praying about at the mo, i have absolutely no idea what to ask god to do, and so it's comforting to have the repetition of a set prayer... you can just bring the situation to god and trust him/her with it...
si
Thursday 25 October 2007
God be in my head
I've found the prayer useful too recently...
When there's no words to face a situation with, you kind of have to rely on the simplest of structures and let them hold you - like this prayer does.
I pray it all the time at the moment... sometimes I drift halfway through and outside noise drowns out the meaning but then I come back to it and start again. Sometimes it becomes almost circular and I go round and round the same lines like a buddhist chant,. Sometimes I say 'her' head or 'his' eyes or 'our' departing. I think about the people I'm praying it for.
Mostly I say 'my'. Mostly I'm praying it for myself.
When there's no words to face a situation with, you kind of have to rely on the simplest of structures and let them hold you - like this prayer does.
I pray it all the time at the moment... sometimes I drift halfway through and outside noise drowns out the meaning but then I come back to it and start again. Sometimes it becomes almost circular and I go round and round the same lines like a buddhist chant,. Sometimes I say 'her' head or 'his' eyes or 'our' departing. I think about the people I'm praying it for.
Mostly I say 'my'. Mostly I'm praying it for myself.
Monday 15 October 2007
in my heart, in my thinking...
i'm still using the 'god be...' prayer and finding new depth in it...
the hardest line for me has been 'god be in my heart and in my thinking'
i love the idea that the way that you think is an attitude of the heart, rather than of the mind... it explains why it's the place in the prayer where i've struggled most.
my thinking is so ingrained, my attitudes have become so well rehearsed and self-justified and reinforced and entrenched down the years; they're second nature.
[it's not called a mind-'set' for nothing...]
and yet i think that i am being challenged and changed. moving up here to leeds and the things that we've experienced since we've been here through revive and now this monastic stuff have been a big part of that process... my thinking is [painfully slowly] changing. what's that line from the psalms? '...create in me a new heart, and renew a right spirit in me...'
i think it's happening...
si
the hardest line for me has been 'god be in my heart and in my thinking'
i love the idea that the way that you think is an attitude of the heart, rather than of the mind... it explains why it's the place in the prayer where i've struggled most.
my thinking is so ingrained, my attitudes have become so well rehearsed and self-justified and reinforced and entrenched down the years; they're second nature.
[it's not called a mind-'set' for nothing...]
and yet i think that i am being challenged and changed. moving up here to leeds and the things that we've experienced since we've been here through revive and now this monastic stuff have been a big part of that process... my thinking is [painfully slowly] changing. what's that line from the psalms? '...create in me a new heart, and renew a right spirit in me...'
i think it's happening...
si
Thursday 4 October 2007
A short addition
Changing
Porcelain skin and sapphire eyes
A voice I remember best in song
Hands that conjured tastes and melodies
A brain brim-full of irreverent rhymes
You’ve become full of years now
And your hands cannot conjure anymore
But your words still glimmer and twinkle
And your determination remains sure
I think of you as simply changing colour
Blending with the sky, becoming brightest blue
Absorbing the emerald of the greenest hills
Catching sun-fire: turning yellow, red, orange…
I think of you as stepping into star-shone light
Into the pool of a golden shadow
Where a person’s truth lies and
Where your soul survives after your body dies
04/10/07
Porcelain skin and sapphire eyes
A voice I remember best in song
Hands that conjured tastes and melodies
A brain brim-full of irreverent rhymes
You’ve become full of years now
And your hands cannot conjure anymore
But your words still glimmer and twinkle
And your determination remains sure
I think of you as simply changing colour
Blending with the sky, becoming brightest blue
Absorbing the emerald of the greenest hills
Catching sun-fire: turning yellow, red, orange…
I think of you as stepping into star-shone light
Into the pool of a golden shadow
Where a person’s truth lies and
Where your soul survives after your body dies
04/10/07
Welcoming the night
I wish I knew how to encourage someone to welcome the night. I wish I had the words to say and the strength to impart.
I know someone who's nearing the closing of the day, to the welcoming of the night. I wish I could be with her to at least stand and face the darkness by her side. But it's probably not my place anyway. And I could probably not find the words or the attitude or the compassion or the courage to be truly there.
It may be that she holds on and doesn't go straight away. I'm not sure what she'll decide. Maybe this time next year she'll still be here - holding on to her piece of light. To the patch of experience that she knows. But the night will still be there, and I will still want to be there facing it with her.
I'm reading John O'Donohue at the moment, he writes this, among other things, about the journey of death:
"At the time of death, the soul knows how to protect its precious cargo. While death will stop and empty the body, the soul will ferry your essence into eternal life. Not one moment of you will be lost in the crossing. Eternal life is the province of the soul, this is where the soul is at home. For your soul then, death is indeed a homecoming"
I hope she knows this. I pray she may know this.
I know someone who's nearing the closing of the day, to the welcoming of the night. I wish I could be with her to at least stand and face the darkness by her side. But it's probably not my place anyway. And I could probably not find the words or the attitude or the compassion or the courage to be truly there.
It may be that she holds on and doesn't go straight away. I'm not sure what she'll decide. Maybe this time next year she'll still be here - holding on to her piece of light. To the patch of experience that she knows. But the night will still be there, and I will still want to be there facing it with her.
I'm reading John O'Donohue at the moment, he writes this, among other things, about the journey of death:
"At the time of death, the soul knows how to protect its precious cargo. While death will stop and empty the body, the soul will ferry your essence into eternal life. Not one moment of you will be lost in the crossing. Eternal life is the province of the soul, this is where the soul is at home. For your soul then, death is indeed a homecoming"
I hope she knows this. I pray she may know this.
Monday 1 October 2007
"...it's like deja vu all over again..."
heh heh - like everyone except esther, i've got out of the habit of posting these past two weeks...
and so even though i've not much to say for meself this week, i'm writing this now, just to get back into routine...
actually, routine is what i need right now. re-establishing the silent prayer time to begin the day. learning to find time to end each day with prayer too would be good.
getting my eating back right again [i've slipped back into snacking recently...!]
and starting to exercise - that's still left undone on the 'to do' list...
post-greenbelt i'd promised myself [and sue, and the kids] that i'd get the amount of work i was taking on back down to a manageable level, and that it wouldn't take over our lives any more; but to be honest it's not really happened.
last week i found myself cancelling a nite out at the very last moment to stay up and draw stuff instead, and this week i'm already facing up to three deadline crises between now and the end of wednesday...
so that's me at the mo; despite my very best intentions, still wrestling with the old work/life balance...
si
and so even though i've not much to say for meself this week, i'm writing this now, just to get back into routine...
actually, routine is what i need right now. re-establishing the silent prayer time to begin the day. learning to find time to end each day with prayer too would be good.
getting my eating back right again [i've slipped back into snacking recently...!]
and starting to exercise - that's still left undone on the 'to do' list...
post-greenbelt i'd promised myself [and sue, and the kids] that i'd get the amount of work i was taking on back down to a manageable level, and that it wouldn't take over our lives any more; but to be honest it's not really happened.
last week i found myself cancelling a nite out at the very last moment to stay up and draw stuff instead, and this week i'm already facing up to three deadline crises between now and the end of wednesday...
so that's me at the mo; despite my very best intentions, still wrestling with the old work/life balance...
si
Thursday 27 September 2007
Time to grow up?
Well once again, I've faced the supervisor gauntlet and come through the other side, relatively unscathed...
It turns out however that the chapter I've been working on would have been better crafted had a silver-back gorilla been given the task and told to write about the first thing that came into its head. So I'm back to the drawing-board and preparing to work like a mad-person (or like Si at least) for another 4-6 weeks at which point I'll have to get ready to leave the country again in a little over a month - as soon after New Year as possible.
The reason I have to leave so promptly is that I've been told I may have to spend 8 months rather than 6 months gathering my data as 6 is just not enough. This would be fine (ish) if it weren't for the fact that one of my oldest friends is getting married August 2nd and I was planning to be there. I may not be able to be there now.
Yesterday as I reflected on the interesting turn my life seems to be taking (i.e. I'm having to put work before my friends and make choices based on prioritising work rather than my relationships) I realised that actually this is something a lot of people have to do and it's a little bit about growing up. I'm not saying I want to always put work ahead of my friends - in fact it's something I want to avoid doing as much as possible. But it's good to learn a little bit about working really hard and what that actually involves. It's a fairly new concept for me I have to say.
I'm not sure what God thinks about working hard. I think it can be a valuable and a dangerous thing and maybe God sees it both ways. For me, right now, I think it's part of a steep learning curve that seems to have characterised the last 11 months of my life. It's a good curve but a slightly daunting one at times.
It turns out however that the chapter I've been working on would have been better crafted had a silver-back gorilla been given the task and told to write about the first thing that came into its head. So I'm back to the drawing-board and preparing to work like a mad-person (or like Si at least) for another 4-6 weeks at which point I'll have to get ready to leave the country again in a little over a month - as soon after New Year as possible.
The reason I have to leave so promptly is that I've been told I may have to spend 8 months rather than 6 months gathering my data as 6 is just not enough. This would be fine (ish) if it weren't for the fact that one of my oldest friends is getting married August 2nd and I was planning to be there. I may not be able to be there now.
Yesterday as I reflected on the interesting turn my life seems to be taking (i.e. I'm having to put work before my friends and make choices based on prioritising work rather than my relationships) I realised that actually this is something a lot of people have to do and it's a little bit about growing up. I'm not saying I want to always put work ahead of my friends - in fact it's something I want to avoid doing as much as possible. But it's good to learn a little bit about working really hard and what that actually involves. It's a fairly new concept for me I have to say.
I'm not sure what God thinks about working hard. I think it can be a valuable and a dangerous thing and maybe God sees it both ways. For me, right now, I think it's part of a steep learning curve that seems to have characterised the last 11 months of my life. It's a good curve but a slightly daunting one at times.
Thursday 20 September 2007
Thursday
Well it's Thursday again... I forgot it was Thursday last Thursday so I did not blog. However I've remembered this week...
I was recounting the story of Esther to some friends today. Kind of to explain why I was called Esther and why it was a bit of a churchy thing (what with my parents being fundies - ho ho ho). So anyway, I was telling the story to them and emphasising just how misogynist it is: how the king is a bit of a woman-hater what with him divorcing Vashti for standing up to him and then treating the local virgins like cattle etc. And so of course they were saying 'oh how awful - what a terrible book'. And I was momentarily sad. But at the time I didn't think about why. Until now...
Now I realise I'd quite like to tell them about some of the good bits in the Bible. I'd like them to know about how ground-breaking it is - I'd like them to hear some of the best bits: Isaiah and his fasting, Song of Solomon and his passion, Paul and his grace, Jesus and his "the kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed"...
I suppose that's why we still do stuff like the Advent thing. So that we can remember the bits of the story that we love and celebrate them in art and music and words.
So I was thinking about that. And it made me feel glad that I am part of a something that enables me still - after all my doubt and all my cynicism - to enjoy the story of God and Jesus and the Church, at least when I'm not denigrating it that is!
I was recounting the story of Esther to some friends today. Kind of to explain why I was called Esther and why it was a bit of a churchy thing (what with my parents being fundies - ho ho ho). So anyway, I was telling the story to them and emphasising just how misogynist it is: how the king is a bit of a woman-hater what with him divorcing Vashti for standing up to him and then treating the local virgins like cattle etc. And so of course they were saying 'oh how awful - what a terrible book'. And I was momentarily sad. But at the time I didn't think about why. Until now...
Now I realise I'd quite like to tell them about some of the good bits in the Bible. I'd like them to know about how ground-breaking it is - I'd like them to hear some of the best bits: Isaiah and his fasting, Song of Solomon and his passion, Paul and his grace, Jesus and his "the kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed"...
I suppose that's why we still do stuff like the Advent thing. So that we can remember the bits of the story that we love and celebrate them in art and music and words.
So I was thinking about that. And it made me feel glad that I am part of a something that enables me still - after all my doubt and all my cynicism - to enjoy the story of God and Jesus and the Church, at least when I'm not denigrating it that is!
Wednesday 12 September 2007
PS - updates
If you log in to blogger, you can set one of the settings so that it will email you whenever there's a new blog post - that way you never miss any - I'd recommend it! ;)
Learning
Just a quick one to say thanks to my fellow monks for being there - you are providing an incubator for a new and improved James (I believe!). I have been reflecting today on what we learn, and what we do with what we've learnt. It seems to be that God is using monks as a tool to work changes in me (slowly but surely!).
An example being that through monks I have become aware of my own chatter (spiritual, emotional and psychological noise) which I believe makes sense, but is in the main useless, and generally quite harmful to mine and other's well-being too. This manifests primarily in what I say, and I am increasingly open to noticing this, and being challenged on words and their underlying attitudes.
So thanks monks. Looking forward to seeing you soon (Monday?) and wish that it were still school holidays so Eddie and Joe could come and play on Wednesdays!
Love to all,
James
An example being that through monks I have become aware of my own chatter (spiritual, emotional and psychological noise) which I believe makes sense, but is in the main useless, and generally quite harmful to mine and other's well-being too. This manifests primarily in what I say, and I am increasingly open to noticing this, and being challenged on words and their underlying attitudes.
So thanks monks. Looking forward to seeing you soon (Monday?) and wish that it were still school holidays so Eddie and Joe could come and play on Wednesdays!
Love to all,
James
Tuesday 11 September 2007
ps...
...have look at this if you have a few spare minutes.
ghostshrimp are a sort of loose collective of creatives with a truly beautiful website and although there's no particular christian or faith perspective there, i love the call to be radical and to live counter-culturally. reminds me of the message of david dark's 'everyday apocalypse' book.
anyhow, i love the final lines of the manifesto post linked above - that's where i want to be.
si
ghostshrimp are a sort of loose collective of creatives with a truly beautiful website and although there's no particular christian or faith perspective there, i love the call to be radical and to live counter-culturally. reminds me of the message of david dark's 'everyday apocalypse' book.
anyhow, i love the final lines of the manifesto post linked above - that's where i want to be.
si
Monday 10 September 2007
rambling late night post...
[...for this post i was going to pose the question 'will god do?' - heh heh - but then i decided that was a bit flippant so i won't...]
anyhow, amen from me to james' response to your post esther - i like what he had to say about the dance. i guess i'd want to say that god's will for us is maybe more about who we are becoming rather than the specific things that we choose to do... [as the old song goes, 'it ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it...'?] i know that i'm always banging on about 'being' over 'doing', but i do think that it really applies here...
meanwhile, i was talking with sue earlier today about how we might be able to involve the eddie and joe a bit more in our monkstuff - and about how as a group we could indulge our creative sides a bit more with liturgy and stuff... maybe that's a conversation that we can share when we next meet'n'eat...?
si
anyhow, amen from me to james' response to your post esther - i like what he had to say about the dance. i guess i'd want to say that god's will for us is maybe more about who we are becoming rather than the specific things that we choose to do... [as the old song goes, 'it ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it...'?] i know that i'm always banging on about 'being' over 'doing', but i do think that it really applies here...
meanwhile, i was talking with sue earlier today about how we might be able to involve the eddie and joe a bit more in our monkstuff - and about how as a group we could indulge our creative sides a bit more with liturgy and stuff... maybe that's a conversation that we can share when we next meet'n'eat...?
si
Thursday 6 September 2007
Does God will?
I've avoided thinking too much about what or how or whether God wills certain things for us in recent years - it just seems to be unlikely that God would have a detailed specific plan for every human being that ever existed... And I've never been keen on the inevitable follow-on thought that once the plan was missed - one would have lost one's way irrevocably.
Of course a sensible conception of God's will probably doesn't entail such a precise determination of destiny anyway but it remains a concept that occasionally troubles me - does God will things for me?
Today I was despairing about my work - feeling like I just can't do what I've got to do and wondering how I ever got myself into it in the first place.
There have been moments - one of them during a Catholic mass on Easter Saturday in a small village in Bali - when I've felt transcendentally sure about the 'rightness' of what I'm doing at the moment, but generally I assume I was lucky to get the funding and happened to be in the right place at the right time. However, while I am currently questioning my ability to do what I am doing - there is some comfort to be derived by imagining that somehow it is 'meant to be'... because if it is 'meant to be' then surely I'll be able to do it...
Of course now that I write that down I realise how silly it sounds. Why should I be doing something that's 'meant to be' anyway... life is mostly about learning from whatever circumstances we find ourselves in - most of the world's population don't have the chance to wonder if what they're doing is 'meant to be'. They just have to get on with it!
Maybe that is just what I should be doing - learning from this experience however hard it is because if God does 'will' anything for me then learning is probably in there somewhere, right? Hmmm... I could do with some divine intervention though - anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
Of course a sensible conception of God's will probably doesn't entail such a precise determination of destiny anyway but it remains a concept that occasionally troubles me - does God will things for me?
Today I was despairing about my work - feeling like I just can't do what I've got to do and wondering how I ever got myself into it in the first place.
There have been moments - one of them during a Catholic mass on Easter Saturday in a small village in Bali - when I've felt transcendentally sure about the 'rightness' of what I'm doing at the moment, but generally I assume I was lucky to get the funding and happened to be in the right place at the right time. However, while I am currently questioning my ability to do what I am doing - there is some comfort to be derived by imagining that somehow it is 'meant to be'... because if it is 'meant to be' then surely I'll be able to do it...
Of course now that I write that down I realise how silly it sounds. Why should I be doing something that's 'meant to be' anyway... life is mostly about learning from whatever circumstances we find ourselves in - most of the world's population don't have the chance to wonder if what they're doing is 'meant to be'. They just have to get on with it!
Maybe that is just what I should be doing - learning from this experience however hard it is because if God does 'will' anything for me then learning is probably in there somewhere, right? Hmmm... I could do with some divine intervention though - anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
Monday 3 September 2007
'sbeen a long time...
feels like a long time since i last posted here - i guess that pre-greenbelt everything got a bit lost in the deluge of stuff that i was trying to get ready for the festival weekend... wish i could say that post-greenbelt i was living out a much better work-life balance, but there's still a load of stuff to do on the desk and the pressure won't be off for another week or so... sigh.
anyhow, here are a couple of thoughts that are occupying my mind coming back from greenbelt.
the first is a quote from a service by a group called the garden - "prayer is god on his knees longing for us to do something"
the second is a general wondering whether christ'd be happy with what st paul did with the message, whether the religion that's grown up around jesus' teaching and the institutions that claim his name are even remotely what he had in mind during his ministry.
i know that's kind of heretical, but i'm enjoying kicking those ideas around a bit...
see you all tonite, monk-y chums!
si
anyhow, here are a couple of thoughts that are occupying my mind coming back from greenbelt.
the first is a quote from a service by a group called the garden - "prayer is god on his knees longing for us to do something"
the second is a general wondering whether christ'd be happy with what st paul did with the message, whether the religion that's grown up around jesus' teaching and the institutions that claim his name are even remotely what he had in mind during his ministry.
i know that's kind of heretical, but i'm enjoying kicking those ideas around a bit...
see you all tonite, monk-y chums!
si
Thursday 30 August 2007
Cheating again
Once again, I'm going to use the words of someone else as a source of blogging inspiration - good old real live preacher: he's a gem. Follow the link to read one of his latest entries - he's just such a good writer and expresses things that I would love to be able to say if only I had thought them first.
http://www.reallivepreacher.com/node/1400
Thursday has come very fast. I have lots of work and feeling slightly swamped. Greenbelt seems a long way away.
http://www.reallivepreacher.com/node/1400
Thursday has come very fast. I have lots of work and feeling slightly swamped. Greenbelt seems a long way away.
Thursday 2 August 2007
Hope
I've only just remembered that today was my day to blog. This, therefore, will not be terribly well thought-through. Nevertheless, I feel inspired.
I am writing some little story/meditations for Greeneblt at the moment and I've been trying to think of something to write that hits the nail on the head to capture the essence of the mustard seed story/ies. I asked a friend tonight in the pub what she thought. She said that recently she had been thinking about hope, hope had led her on to faith and faith to the story of the mustard-seed (she was thinking more about the moving mountains parable not the kingdom of heaven being like a mustard seed one by the way but there're vague similarities)...
This resonated with me because the story/meditation I want to 'capture' most is the one about an old slave woman who hears Jesus and understands him with total clarity. I was trying to think about what the mustard seed might say to her... I think it has to be about hope. I'm not sure if it's theologically sound or if it will totally make sense but there's just something about the concept of 'hope' that I want to portray to people about Jesus and his mustard-seed meanderings (no disrespect meant).
The last few days I've been feeling lost and hope-less, hope-bereft. Today I feel more hope-found and hope-full. Of course life isn't always hopeful or very nice, certainly not for old slave women... But there's just something about the concept. There's something about the mustard-seed... There's something about hope.
I am writing some little story/meditations for Greeneblt at the moment and I've been trying to think of something to write that hits the nail on the head to capture the essence of the mustard seed story/ies. I asked a friend tonight in the pub what she thought. She said that recently she had been thinking about hope, hope had led her on to faith and faith to the story of the mustard-seed (she was thinking more about the moving mountains parable not the kingdom of heaven being like a mustard seed one by the way but there're vague similarities)...
This resonated with me because the story/meditation I want to 'capture' most is the one about an old slave woman who hears Jesus and understands him with total clarity. I was trying to think about what the mustard seed might say to her... I think it has to be about hope. I'm not sure if it's theologically sound or if it will totally make sense but there's just something about the concept of 'hope' that I want to portray to people about Jesus and his mustard-seed meanderings (no disrespect meant).
The last few days I've been feeling lost and hope-less, hope-bereft. Today I feel more hope-found and hope-full. Of course life isn't always hopeful or very nice, certainly not for old slave women... But there's just something about the concept. There's something about the mustard-seed... There's something about hope.
Monday 30 July 2007
'i never question god'
been listening to a track on an album by Ikon - the lyric goes "i never question god, i can only question my assumptions of god, i only question my understanding of god"
i like that thought, a lot.
for a very long time my mindset was that you must prove that god existed - that was Evangelism, that was what it was all about, that was the question -"does he* exist?"...
and so, to me, fellowship and worship and my understanding of the teaching of the church was all about affirming and reinforcing a very singular idea of god...
but over the past few years - through my alt-worship dabblings, revive, open space, and now our monk-y business - i've really let go of that sort of narrow, yes/no thinking about god and feel that we're journeying all the time now into something a lot more invigorating and exciting.
our monks stuff is such a big part of that, and you lot are challenging me to question my understanding and my assumptions.
i felt that very much after our meal last week [which i loved...] and i feel it when i read this blog...
i'm very thankful for that.
and so, like the prayer says... 'god be in my head and in my understanding...'
si
*god was very definitely a 'he' back then...!
i like that thought, a lot.
for a very long time my mindset was that you must prove that god existed - that was Evangelism, that was what it was all about, that was the question -"does he* exist?"...
and so, to me, fellowship and worship and my understanding of the teaching of the church was all about affirming and reinforcing a very singular idea of god...
but over the past few years - through my alt-worship dabblings, revive, open space, and now our monk-y business - i've really let go of that sort of narrow, yes/no thinking about god and feel that we're journeying all the time now into something a lot more invigorating and exciting.
our monks stuff is such a big part of that, and you lot are challenging me to question my understanding and my assumptions.
i felt that very much after our meal last week [which i loved...] and i feel it when i read this blog...
i'm very thankful for that.
and so, like the prayer says... 'god be in my head and in my understanding...'
si
*god was very definitely a 'he' back then...!
Thursday 26 July 2007
Routine
I'm not sure quite why or how, but routine seems to make my life better.
Routine, while making my life better, does not come naturally for a variety of reasons.
I am a student and that role provides me (blesses me?? Curses me??) with an enormous amount of time-flexibility in my day with which to play...
I am naturally fairly gregarious and enjoy meeting up with people, spontaneously or otherwise, for food, drinks, chats and other exciting aspects of socialising which often moulds my day into something even less routine-like...
Finally, I am a bear of very little personal discipline and tend to allow myself too much lee-way for drifting and day-dreaming in such a way as to render any attempt at routine as void more often than not.
However, recently I have worked (reasonably) hard to address the above issues and have managed to attain a little more routine-ness in my life and quite frankly the results are gratifying.
Routine helps me to get up in the morning. Routine helps me to focus on some sort of meditative thinking time before getting up. Routine helps me to get into the office and do some work on my upgrade document. Routine helps me to eat better and more economically by spending time cooking at home. Routine helps me to get to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can face the following day with some strength.
Note that I didn't mention socialising... Routine isn't quite able to stop me from conducting my spontaneous and other kinds of social encounters. To be honest I wouldn't really want it to either. There's only so much routine I can take after all.
Routine, while making my life better, does not come naturally for a variety of reasons.
I am a student and that role provides me (blesses me?? Curses me??) with an enormous amount of time-flexibility in my day with which to play...
I am naturally fairly gregarious and enjoy meeting up with people, spontaneously or otherwise, for food, drinks, chats and other exciting aspects of socialising which often moulds my day into something even less routine-like...
Finally, I am a bear of very little personal discipline and tend to allow myself too much lee-way for drifting and day-dreaming in such a way as to render any attempt at routine as void more often than not.
However, recently I have worked (reasonably) hard to address the above issues and have managed to attain a little more routine-ness in my life and quite frankly the results are gratifying.
Routine helps me to get up in the morning. Routine helps me to focus on some sort of meditative thinking time before getting up. Routine helps me to get into the office and do some work on my upgrade document. Routine helps me to eat better and more economically by spending time cooking at home. Routine helps me to get to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can face the following day with some strength.
Note that I didn't mention socialising... Routine isn't quite able to stop me from conducting my spontaneous and other kinds of social encounters. To be honest I wouldn't really want it to either. There's only so much routine I can take after all.
Tuesday 24 July 2007
Prayer changes things
Following on from our chat last night (which was great, by the way). Today I've been thinking about how prayer changes things.
It's a big subject, but I've got as far as realising that in my experience, the main thing that prayer changes is me.
By having a conversation with God, I become aware of his presence and power already at work all around me, and start to notice her fingerprints on the issues that I'm bringing to her.
I'm glad that in the talking, and listening, and the space between us, and his Spirit in us, I am learning so much more than through just thinking or reading, or reflecting - it's the interplay of her voice and mine, her thoughts and mine, her perspective and mine which really challenges me, and is able to change me if I let it.
James
PS Did I hear Si refer to God as "Father or Mother" yesterday? Mmmm - maybe prayer changes other people's perspectives too! ;)
It's a big subject, but I've got as far as realising that in my experience, the main thing that prayer changes is me.
By having a conversation with God, I become aware of his presence and power already at work all around me, and start to notice her fingerprints on the issues that I'm bringing to her.
I'm glad that in the talking, and listening, and the space between us, and his Spirit in us, I am learning so much more than through just thinking or reading, or reflecting - it's the interplay of her voice and mine, her thoughts and mine, her perspective and mine which really challenges me, and is able to change me if I let it.
James
PS Did I hear Si refer to God as "Father or Mother" yesterday? Mmmm - maybe prayer changes other people's perspectives too! ;)
Sunday 22 July 2007
Late entry
I'm afraid I forgot about the entry I was due to make on Thursday. I don't intend to remedy that by this entry, but I did want to put a link up to reallivepreacher's blog as he recently wrote a beautiful piece that I think we'd all find inspiring. Here's the link http://www.reallivepreacher.com/node/1363. And also I wanted to thank Si for managing to still write his entries despite his schedule and the fact that he feels a bit overwhelmed by life right now.
Monday 16 July 2007
still not much...
finding life a bit of a slog still. not helped by malfunctioning email and kids' friends breaking my draughtsmens pens...!
this whole monastic thing is easier and much more productive when life is going smoothly... makes me realise how much i need to get these disciplines embedded in daily routine, how much i need to internalise the principles of silence and virtue and obedience and stuff so that they remain part of my life even when things are tough. so that they're not the first thing to fall by the wayside when things get busy...
si
this whole monastic thing is easier and much more productive when life is going smoothly... makes me realise how much i need to get these disciplines embedded in daily routine, how much i need to internalise the principles of silence and virtue and obedience and stuff so that they remain part of my life even when things are tough. so that they're not the first thing to fall by the wayside when things get busy...
si
Monday 9 July 2007
nothing
nothing much to say agin this week. very much bogged down in work and not really able to get my head around much else if i'm honest. i feel like i'm totally submerged at the mo, but i know that when i come up for air [probably around greenbelt time, at this rate!], you lot'll be there and that's good... bear with me in the meantime...
si
si
Thursday 5 July 2007
Hospitality
Recently I’ve been thinking about how I can become more hospitable in my everyday life. In "I Was a Stranger: A Christian Theology of Hospitality", Arthur Sutherland reminds us of the passage of the goats and the sheep and points out that this passage underlines the importance of Christian hospitality: that we are to be judged not necessarily on our good and bad deeds but on whether we demonstrated hospitality in our lives; whether we welcomed the disenfranchised and the stranger by feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. In the conclusion Sutherland shows how Jesus’ own way of demonstrating hospitality was entirely unplanned and spontaneous: he saw people’s pain and responded to it in the way he knew how; by talking to them, healing them and forgiving them their sins. He points out that the Church has not always followed this example – that we may practice a form of hospitality through meetings and gatherings and weekly events etc, but that Jesus’ hospitality was remarkable for its casualness – his ability to ‘see’ people’s needs and respond to them there and then. He was welcoming whenever and wherever he encountered the stranger.
I was particularly inspired by this discussion by Sutherland as it triggers a memory of a shift in my thinking that coincided with my withdrawal from a formalised church system. I had started to realise that I was uncomfortable with how hard the Church works to drag “the unsaved” to endless events, meetings and conferences within church buildings and premises, while seemingly unable to visit, welcome or encounter people in their own settings and premises. It seemed to me that though I was happy for church buildings to be used for those who felt at ease and welcomed in them, I was increasingly less happy with the Church emphasis on trying to persuade everyone that they were obliged to become part of the Christian system in order to encounter Jesus-like hospitality. I felt that there had to be some other way for Christians to welcome people and show them this kind of generous hospitality.
But not only did reading Sutherland’s book on the importance of hospitality remind me of that particular shift in my thinking. It also made me think about whether I now needed to take hospitality a little more seriously, and whether I might have unwittingly committed the error of throwing the baby out with the proverbial bathwater. The question is if I’m not going to work away on services to bring people into Church, how am I going to work to welcome people where they are? It’s all very well sanctimoniously looking down my nose at Christian events, meetings and conferences that are aimed at “reaching out” to people, but there has to be a way I practice hospitality in my everyday life (albeit in a different way) or I’ve missed the point of the lesson entirely. I lose one of the most important aspects of Jesus’ life and – dare I say it – reasons for being. He welcomed the disenfranchised and the stranger… wherever and whenever he found them. He fed the hungry and clothed the naked. He healed and forgave; he talked to those who begged for his attention. There’s no way I could manage that all the time but I want to try to do that at least some of the time for at least a few people, wherever and I find myself and whenever the opportunity may arise.
I was particularly inspired by this discussion by Sutherland as it triggers a memory of a shift in my thinking that coincided with my withdrawal from a formalised church system. I had started to realise that I was uncomfortable with how hard the Church works to drag “the unsaved” to endless events, meetings and conferences within church buildings and premises, while seemingly unable to visit, welcome or encounter people in their own settings and premises. It seemed to me that though I was happy for church buildings to be used for those who felt at ease and welcomed in them, I was increasingly less happy with the Church emphasis on trying to persuade everyone that they were obliged to become part of the Christian system in order to encounter Jesus-like hospitality. I felt that there had to be some other way for Christians to welcome people and show them this kind of generous hospitality.
But not only did reading Sutherland’s book on the importance of hospitality remind me of that particular shift in my thinking. It also made me think about whether I now needed to take hospitality a little more seriously, and whether I might have unwittingly committed the error of throwing the baby out with the proverbial bathwater. The question is if I’m not going to work away on services to bring people into Church, how am I going to work to welcome people where they are? It’s all very well sanctimoniously looking down my nose at Christian events, meetings and conferences that are aimed at “reaching out” to people, but there has to be a way I practice hospitality in my everyday life (albeit in a different way) or I’ve missed the point of the lesson entirely. I lose one of the most important aspects of Jesus’ life and – dare I say it – reasons for being. He welcomed the disenfranchised and the stranger… wherever and whenever he found them. He fed the hungry and clothed the naked. He healed and forgave; he talked to those who begged for his attention. There’s no way I could manage that all the time but I want to try to do that at least some of the time for at least a few people, wherever and I find myself and whenever the opportunity may arise.
Tuesday 3 July 2007
big rocks
Last night, driving us back home, Esther said how my workplan story was like the rocks and sand analogy:
If you start filling a jar with sand, and then gravel, you may run out of room for larger rocks ... but if you put the rocks in first, then the sand etc will fit around the rocks.
And I really loved that analogy. So I'm thinking ... what are the 'rocks' in my life, the things to put in the jar first? I think I'll try practising what I preach, and write on an A4 sheet what my 'rocks' are, and try referring to it, first thing each day and putting in the rocks first.
There will always be room for the sand.
For me, the rocks are the things that I always intend to do, but never get around to doing because I fill my days with other things, and there's no room left over.
So this includes:
- clearing out the mess in James' and my room
- reading the Green Apples II partial manuscript sent to me by Jean Willans
- putting together a central contacts directory of people I know so that I'm not forever searching for contact details when I need them
- and of course, monastic rhythms ... starting the day with prayer and reflection
There are my rocks ... I invite you to keep me accountable :-)
If you start filling a jar with sand, and then gravel, you may run out of room for larger rocks ... but if you put the rocks in first, then the sand etc will fit around the rocks.
And I really loved that analogy. So I'm thinking ... what are the 'rocks' in my life, the things to put in the jar first? I think I'll try practising what I preach, and write on an A4 sheet what my 'rocks' are, and try referring to it, first thing each day and putting in the rocks first.
There will always be room for the sand.
For me, the rocks are the things that I always intend to do, but never get around to doing because I fill my days with other things, and there's no room left over.
So this includes:
- clearing out the mess in James' and my room
- reading the Green Apples II partial manuscript sent to me by Jean Willans
- putting together a central contacts directory of people I know so that I'm not forever searching for contact details when I need them
- and of course, monastic rhythms ... starting the day with prayer and reflection
There are my rocks ... I invite you to keep me accountable :-)
Sunday 1 July 2007
apathy/frustration
Hi guys,
Missed my slot on Friday, so I'm squeezing in tonight!!
Feeling quite apathetic at the moment to all this stuff. Find sometimes this way of communicating helpful and other times just a drag!
I can also feel frustrated at the talk that we do without actually getting anywhere.
Life feels very full and busy, sometimes I feel like I absorb a lot from people around me both family, friends and work colleagues.
I feel like I sit back and take it all in but then don't really know how to respond because I actually don't bother to try and work out what I want.
I miss being part of a church group in the bigger sense. I grew up in a community of church but it certainly wasn't always comfortable and home created tension as my dad wasn't a christian.
Church in many ways offers me sanctuary because I know it gives me space to think and yet I also know my journey has taken me away from the conventional church but I yearn for the fellowship and spirituality that I have experienced there.
I respond to certain leaders who inspire and lead and create space for the spontaneous and unexpected.
However I'm aware of my own responsibility here and know that I shouldn't be reliant on a 'leader'.
I feel that I've been at this point for quite a while now.
I also feel frustrated at not being able to move myself on.
I embrace the monks stuff wholeheartedly and yet still need soem inspiration. I'm too lazy/apathetic I feel to make this seriously impact on me and my faith.
At times I feel I have such a simple faith and feel that God is involved in my life completely in all my actions and conversations-do I need more than this? do I need to continue to strive?
I'm not sure I even know what I'm looking for ( feel a song coming on )
Better stop
See you all tomorrow.
sue
Missed my slot on Friday, so I'm squeezing in tonight!!
Feeling quite apathetic at the moment to all this stuff. Find sometimes this way of communicating helpful and other times just a drag!
I can also feel frustrated at the talk that we do without actually getting anywhere.
Life feels very full and busy, sometimes I feel like I absorb a lot from people around me both family, friends and work colleagues.
I feel like I sit back and take it all in but then don't really know how to respond because I actually don't bother to try and work out what I want.
I miss being part of a church group in the bigger sense. I grew up in a community of church but it certainly wasn't always comfortable and home created tension as my dad wasn't a christian.
Church in many ways offers me sanctuary because I know it gives me space to think and yet I also know my journey has taken me away from the conventional church but I yearn for the fellowship and spirituality that I have experienced there.
I respond to certain leaders who inspire and lead and create space for the spontaneous and unexpected.
However I'm aware of my own responsibility here and know that I shouldn't be reliant on a 'leader'.
I feel that I've been at this point for quite a while now.
I also feel frustrated at not being able to move myself on.
I embrace the monks stuff wholeheartedly and yet still need soem inspiration. I'm too lazy/apathetic I feel to make this seriously impact on me and my faith.
At times I feel I have such a simple faith and feel that God is involved in my life completely in all my actions and conversations-do I need more than this? do I need to continue to strive?
I'm not sure I even know what I'm looking for ( feel a song coming on )
Better stop
See you all tomorrow.
sue
Wednesday 27 June 2007
not sure
I'm really not sure what to write about this week. I haven't done brilliantly with stillness, silence or prayer, and I'm feeling ambivalent about God-stuff in general. I feel at the moment that I'm loving the idea of God, but not really God him/herself. Has God just been a comfort blanket for me this week? Probably. I think I'm still processing a lot of stuff regarding the Bible and church, and where and who we put our faith in. I just read Si's post, and think it would be good to talk about this, as I feel like it would help us as a group to chat more outside of our meetings.
I hope you are all well, and loving better than me! ;) I'm going to stop now, and email y'all about this stuff.
James
I hope you are all well, and loving better than me! ;) I'm going to stop now, and email y'all about this stuff.
James
Tuesday 26 June 2007
in brief
Sorry to have been so neglectful here ... and I haven't got much to say today either ...
And this is really short notice, but my friend is organising an Open Mic happening at the Brudenell Social Club tonight, and I'm going to head over there soon to help set up ... will be singing a couple of tunes as well ... do drop by if you fancy! It's £4 in.
I haven't been very disciplined with morning/evening prayers over the past few weeks ... though am still doing the 'God be in my head' prayer most mornings ... but am having an amazing time of realisations all the time these days ... you can check my personal blog for more details if interested in reading my ruminations ...
Soz to be so disorganised/uncontemplative!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See y'all next week and I look forward to having a thorough read of your blogs on the weekend.
And this is really short notice, but my friend is organising an Open Mic happening at the Brudenell Social Club tonight, and I'm going to head over there soon to help set up ... will be singing a couple of tunes as well ... do drop by if you fancy! It's £4 in.
I haven't been very disciplined with morning/evening prayers over the past few weeks ... though am still doing the 'God be in my head' prayer most mornings ... but am having an amazing time of realisations all the time these days ... you can check my personal blog for more details if interested in reading my ruminations ...
Soz to be so disorganised/uncontemplative!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See y'all next week and I look forward to having a thorough read of your blogs on the weekend.
Monday 25 June 2007
church/Church
apologies again in advance for the rambly-ness of this post...
james shaw was round yesterday, to slap some fibre glass on jesus' bottom [don't ask]
we had a good chat about a whole load of stuff, including revive and the way it operates - both the good and the bad aspects of that - we touched on stuff about prophets, and authority, and leadership, and the extent to which folk in churches make themselves accountable to their leaders and to each other...
anyway, i came away with a renewed sense of just how far out of Church my journey has taken me.
in one sense, i'm still part of church - as in the sense of the family of god. using the word church in that way, i am, and i hope that i always will be, churched.
but in the sense of membership of the Institution, in submitting myself to the authority and hierarchy and organisational practices of a Church or denomination... well i'm long gone... talking to james made me realize again just how far behind me that all is.
[and that doesn't mean that i think of myself as any better than folk who love the Church instutions and have chosen to stay and do their faith there. just that our journeys are very different.]
[and sometimes on the journey you have cause to pause and look back and see how far you've travelled...]
so.
if i'm not a part of Church anymore, what am i part of?
what's the template that'll frame the faith thing for me now?
how do i make it work outside the context of a Church fellowship thing?
i think it's the monastic model.
it's not like i've not known this for a while. more that talking with james gave me a refreshed perspective about where i'm headed. and i'm left thinking again that i need to be more intentional about the monastic thing - i can't afford to let it drift...
and that in itself throws up a whole load of questions in my mind about our group, and how formal we are/can be as a group, and how intentional and committed we are or might want to be or might become; to each other and to what we create together...
as usual, i have no answers, but these are the things i'm pondering...
for my part, i feel that maybe i've been dabbling with it for long enough now - could be time to take a deep breath dive in...? what do you all reckon?
si
james shaw was round yesterday, to slap some fibre glass on jesus' bottom [don't ask]
we had a good chat about a whole load of stuff, including revive and the way it operates - both the good and the bad aspects of that - we touched on stuff about prophets, and authority, and leadership, and the extent to which folk in churches make themselves accountable to their leaders and to each other...
anyway, i came away with a renewed sense of just how far out of Church my journey has taken me.
in one sense, i'm still part of church - as in the sense of the family of god. using the word church in that way, i am, and i hope that i always will be, churched.
but in the sense of membership of the Institution, in submitting myself to the authority and hierarchy and organisational practices of a Church or denomination... well i'm long gone... talking to james made me realize again just how far behind me that all is.
[and that doesn't mean that i think of myself as any better than folk who love the Church instutions and have chosen to stay and do their faith there. just that our journeys are very different.]
[and sometimes on the journey you have cause to pause and look back and see how far you've travelled...]
so.
if i'm not a part of Church anymore, what am i part of?
what's the template that'll frame the faith thing for me now?
how do i make it work outside the context of a Church fellowship thing?
i think it's the monastic model.
it's not like i've not known this for a while. more that talking with james gave me a refreshed perspective about where i'm headed. and i'm left thinking again that i need to be more intentional about the monastic thing - i can't afford to let it drift...
and that in itself throws up a whole load of questions in my mind about our group, and how formal we are/can be as a group, and how intentional and committed we are or might want to be or might become; to each other and to what we create together...
as usual, i have no answers, but these are the things i'm pondering...
for my part, i feel that maybe i've been dabbling with it for long enough now - could be time to take a deep breath dive in...? what do you all reckon?
si
Thursday 21 June 2007
Learning
I'm approaching this in the wrong way today and yet I will go ahead anyway.
Let me explain. I'm currently unable to access the internet at home (except by stealing a connection off the neighbours which I have to admit - I do do... But it's just not that reliable!). Therefore I am having to write this blog entry from uni where I have come for just a couple of hours to get some emailing done.
I am therefore not in a 'thoughtful' place and certianly not feeling like I can contribute much wisdom to the pot today.
However I did want to say that I have found other people's entries really helpful for my learning. James talked yesterday about getting away from 'knowing' everything about God. This is important for me to embrace as I have become a bit sceptical about my faith over these past few years and that is partly due to having had a similar experience to James in terms of growing up in a tradition that sought to explain everything in the Bible and everything in life through the prism of an omnipotent and omniscient being called God.
Now that I'm learning to let go of some of that need to explain things, I am also starting to let go of some of my scepticism which arose as a direct result of having explained everything in black and white for so long that when black and white let me down I couldn't see the other colours anymore, I couldn't see them for the grey, just like I hadn't been able to see the grey for the black and white. My metaphor is a complicated one but I hope it makes some sense.
All I know is that I'm learning. And James, Leesun, Si and Sue are helping me do that right now so thank you for your entries guys.
Let me explain. I'm currently unable to access the internet at home (except by stealing a connection off the neighbours which I have to admit - I do do... But it's just not that reliable!). Therefore I am having to write this blog entry from uni where I have come for just a couple of hours to get some emailing done.
I am therefore not in a 'thoughtful' place and certianly not feeling like I can contribute much wisdom to the pot today.
However I did want to say that I have found other people's entries really helpful for my learning. James talked yesterday about getting away from 'knowing' everything about God. This is important for me to embrace as I have become a bit sceptical about my faith over these past few years and that is partly due to having had a similar experience to James in terms of growing up in a tradition that sought to explain everything in the Bible and everything in life through the prism of an omnipotent and omniscient being called God.
Now that I'm learning to let go of some of that need to explain things, I am also starting to let go of some of my scepticism which arose as a direct result of having explained everything in black and white for so long that when black and white let me down I couldn't see the other colours anymore, I couldn't see them for the grey, just like I hadn't been able to see the grey for the black and white. My metaphor is a complicated one but I hope it makes some sense.
All I know is that I'm learning. And James, Leesun, Si and Sue are helping me do that right now so thank you for your entries guys.
Wednesday 20 June 2007
Timing
Ey up! Well, we'll be seeing you this evening, but I thought I'd get my 10p's worth in before then. Sorry I missed it last week, was all over the place with tiredness, etc. This week I'm compensating by blogging at 6am!!!
I thought I'd share a bit on timing, as that seems to be something God's nudging me about at the moment. Specifically, learning to WAIT on him/her/them. I'm a right one for presuming I know more than I do about God and all things God-related - part of this is due to being brought up in a very modern church and home environment where God was often pretty much reduced to this set of texts (the Bible and commentaries) whereby you could "prove" almost anything. This had the 2 outcomes of encouraging my arrogance about my knowledge, and dehumanising (depersonalising?) God in my perception and experience.
Thanks to God (and in part to Monks) that's all changing again, and one of the main changes is that I'm learning a little bit of what it means to wait on God. And it is a tiny bit, but it's lovely, because it's very real again, and I don't feel any compulsion to 'prove' it to anyone (least myself) by using the Bible or clever theology.
Anyway, what this boils down to is that I'm realising that just like lots of other people who I know and love, God often has different ways of doing, seeing, saying things than me, and if I want to get on better with him/her/them, then I need to chill out, not be pushy, but ask, and seek, and knock, and wait until God shows, tells, meets me in the way that he/she/they want.
That's it for now. Hope you're all well, and look forward to seeing you tonight :)
James
I thought I'd share a bit on timing, as that seems to be something God's nudging me about at the moment. Specifically, learning to WAIT on him/her/them. I'm a right one for presuming I know more than I do about God and all things God-related - part of this is due to being brought up in a very modern church and home environment where God was often pretty much reduced to this set of texts (the Bible and commentaries) whereby you could "prove" almost anything. This had the 2 outcomes of encouraging my arrogance about my knowledge, and dehumanising (depersonalising?) God in my perception and experience.
Thanks to God (and in part to Monks) that's all changing again, and one of the main changes is that I'm learning a little bit of what it means to wait on God. And it is a tiny bit, but it's lovely, because it's very real again, and I don't feel any compulsion to 'prove' it to anyone (least myself) by using the Bible or clever theology.
Anyway, what this boils down to is that I'm realising that just like lots of other people who I know and love, God often has different ways of doing, seeing, saying things than me, and if I want to get on better with him/her/them, then I need to chill out, not be pushy, but ask, and seek, and knock, and wait until God shows, tells, meets me in the way that he/she/they want.
That's it for now. Hope you're all well, and look forward to seeing you tonight :)
James
Monday 18 June 2007
more random stuff
aye up!
another monday and i've nothing hugely profound or coherent to blog [again]
but here are some random things, all the same...
i've realised that without meaning to, i've taken on esther's resolution for spending more time outside.
the extension/building site has a roof, so even when it's wet [and boy has it been wet here recently!] i can get out into the open air and do my moring solitude/silence thing. i'm still loving that.
i'm being more obedient at home. spending more time with eddie in particular has been good this past week. [he's a kid who needs you to make time for him, because he doesn't demand attention like joe does...] so i'm pleased about that.
i'm lifting my head more when i'm out and about - the result is more conversations, more folk in the neighbourhood met and engaged with.
and i've sort of attended to the issue of vitue that we've had. it's not resolved, really, but then it's always going to be an ongoing thing, and it feels good to have begun to get to grips with it...
si
another monday and i've nothing hugely profound or coherent to blog [again]
but here are some random things, all the same...
i've realised that without meaning to, i've taken on esther's resolution for spending more time outside.
the extension/building site has a roof, so even when it's wet [and boy has it been wet here recently!] i can get out into the open air and do my moring solitude/silence thing. i'm still loving that.
i'm being more obedient at home. spending more time with eddie in particular has been good this past week. [he's a kid who needs you to make time for him, because he doesn't demand attention like joe does...] so i'm pleased about that.
i'm lifting my head more when i'm out and about - the result is more conversations, more folk in the neighbourhood met and engaged with.
and i've sort of attended to the issue of vitue that we've had. it's not resolved, really, but then it's always going to be an ongoing thing, and it feels good to have begun to get to grips with it...
si
Friday 15 June 2007
Time passes
Hi guys,
Sorry I seem to have missed my slot the last couple of weeks. One week we were on holiday and last week I can't even remember!!
We are approaching a momentous day in our family as Eddie becomes 10 on Tuesday. I can't quite believe it is 10 years since this amazing bundle of life arrived. We were thrust into parenthood without having much idea as to what it would entail. For the early years it was about physical loving and nurturing, but as the baby turned to toddler to little boy to much bigger boy, it has become about loving the person he is and will become,about loving when you don't like what you hear or see and loving him through his own emotional development and standing back to let him work things out for himself.
Last Saturday saw the anniversary of my Dad's death, 20 years ago! A significant passage of time, a lifetime for some people! A sense of sadness as always, particularly for the 7 grandchildren he never met. Grief no longer grips me with such intensity or pain, nor is it my every waking thought but even 20 years on I can be instantly back to that moment and experience the reality of it all over again. Does time heal? No I don't believe on its own that it does. Mine came from a direct experience of God's intervention. Time is a reality, it allows distance between you and the event , it allows for a more thoughtful response, it allows you to look back and see how God has been at work but of itself I can't pin it down. 10 years, 20 years 30 years what does it matter. My life is a journey and these events are part of it, something that happened yesterday I've already forgotten but something 10 or 20 years ago I remember in minute detail.
Time passes and what I choose to do with my time is significant.
I remember reading something when Si and I were first married and it talked about 'wasting' time together, where time set aside to be us was important, not 'doing' things together but almost revelling in each others space.
I wonder if that's where I need to be with God, when time spent in solitude with him isn't about 'doing' but about 'wasting', where I enjoy just being in His presence.
sue
Sorry I seem to have missed my slot the last couple of weeks. One week we were on holiday and last week I can't even remember!!
We are approaching a momentous day in our family as Eddie becomes 10 on Tuesday. I can't quite believe it is 10 years since this amazing bundle of life arrived. We were thrust into parenthood without having much idea as to what it would entail. For the early years it was about physical loving and nurturing, but as the baby turned to toddler to little boy to much bigger boy, it has become about loving the person he is and will become,about loving when you don't like what you hear or see and loving him through his own emotional development and standing back to let him work things out for himself.
Last Saturday saw the anniversary of my Dad's death, 20 years ago! A significant passage of time, a lifetime for some people! A sense of sadness as always, particularly for the 7 grandchildren he never met. Grief no longer grips me with such intensity or pain, nor is it my every waking thought but even 20 years on I can be instantly back to that moment and experience the reality of it all over again. Does time heal? No I don't believe on its own that it does. Mine came from a direct experience of God's intervention. Time is a reality, it allows distance between you and the event , it allows for a more thoughtful response, it allows you to look back and see how God has been at work but of itself I can't pin it down. 10 years, 20 years 30 years what does it matter. My life is a journey and these events are part of it, something that happened yesterday I've already forgotten but something 10 or 20 years ago I remember in minute detail.
Time passes and what I choose to do with my time is significant.
I remember reading something when Si and I were first married and it talked about 'wasting' time together, where time set aside to be us was important, not 'doing' things together but almost revelling in each others space.
I wonder if that's where I need to be with God, when time spent in solitude with him isn't about 'doing' but about 'wasting', where I enjoy just being in His presence.
sue
Tuesday 12 June 2007
Returning home
Dear fellow monks,
I'm sorry for my inability to have joined in the conversation until now. And I'm sorry that today's not my day but I wanted to get in there as I've just read through the posts and feel inspired to chip in.
I've been away and now I'm home.
I love the familiarity of returning home, whether it's to a person or a place that feels like a safe zone of belonging - it always fills me with a special kind of joy.
But this time I'm returning in a slightly different way and with slightly different intentions. Being away for three months and reading Finding Sanctuary in foreign climes has encouraged me to change pace a little. To take time to feel my way slowly. To not rush and strive so much. OK I know what you're going to say - the 'not striving' kind of comes naturally anyway as working has never been my strong point!.
What I mean is that for me reading Finding Sanctuary has very much been about trying to find a way I can spend less time being sociable.
This might sound strange but before going away I got to the point where I felt drained from constantly seeing people and being out and about in social contexts. The thing is I love people. I love talking to people and I love being around people I love (or even just the ones I like). I don't think this is a bad thing but when I spend all my time rushing from appointment to appointment I think there's something not quite right because frankly - it has become a way of escaping. Escaping responsibility and escaping silence. I'm not good with silence.
I realise this may now be very long so I'm going to finish but I just wanted to say that I still want to be around people but I need to find ways to lead a calmer life and I reckon you guys can hold me to this a little. Because it can't be about becoming totally inward-looking - that would be selfish and wrong - but I have to learn how to have balance. Since I've been back I haven't rushed round seeing people. I've let things happen naturally and gently and I feel energised instead of paralised. I just hope I can carry on like this without giving in to the temptation of being ms social whirl again...
Having said all that, it's good to be home and I can't wait to see you all!
Esther
I'm sorry for my inability to have joined in the conversation until now. And I'm sorry that today's not my day but I wanted to get in there as I've just read through the posts and feel inspired to chip in.
I've been away and now I'm home.
I love the familiarity of returning home, whether it's to a person or a place that feels like a safe zone of belonging - it always fills me with a special kind of joy.
But this time I'm returning in a slightly different way and with slightly different intentions. Being away for three months and reading Finding Sanctuary in foreign climes has encouraged me to change pace a little. To take time to feel my way slowly. To not rush and strive so much. OK I know what you're going to say - the 'not striving' kind of comes naturally anyway as working has never been my strong point!.
What I mean is that for me reading Finding Sanctuary has very much been about trying to find a way I can spend less time being sociable.
This might sound strange but before going away I got to the point where I felt drained from constantly seeing people and being out and about in social contexts. The thing is I love people. I love talking to people and I love being around people I love (or even just the ones I like). I don't think this is a bad thing but when I spend all my time rushing from appointment to appointment I think there's something not quite right because frankly - it has become a way of escaping. Escaping responsibility and escaping silence. I'm not good with silence.
I realise this may now be very long so I'm going to finish but I just wanted to say that I still want to be around people but I need to find ways to lead a calmer life and I reckon you guys can hold me to this a little. Because it can't be about becoming totally inward-looking - that would be selfish and wrong - but I have to learn how to have balance. Since I've been back I haven't rushed round seeing people. I've let things happen naturally and gently and I feel energised instead of paralised. I just hope I can carry on like this without giving in to the temptation of being ms social whirl again...
Having said all that, it's good to be home and I can't wait to see you all!
Esther
Monday 11 June 2007
random stuff
[aye up james, looks like it's just thee and me then - heh heh]
was thinking about the whole 'wrestling with demons' thing. no great insights, but i was wondering about that bit in the OT where jacob wrestles with the angel [it defeats him by dislocating his hip] and thinking about what the difference is - angels or demons... maybe it's about a shift in your perspective? pint pot half empty or half full sort of thing... or maybe it's about how far along the journey you are... whatever, i like the idea of wrestling with the angels...
been reading the obedience chapter in the book too, and realising that in my working life, i am very obdeient. my clients get a good service out of me and i'll bend over backwards to meet deadlines and stuff.
but at home, sue and the kids often get a bit of a raw deal - they suffer for my commitment to work. i'm much less obedient outside of my job. it's that old work/life balance thing again. so i need you all to challenge me and make me accountable for thinking and working through some changes on that front please...
also been thinking about virtue again. we've got a situation at the mo where we've not been particularly virtuous - not by anything that we've done, more by something that we've neglected - and it's weighing quite heavily on me at the mo. hold me to a commitment to do something about it...
si
was thinking about the whole 'wrestling with demons' thing. no great insights, but i was wondering about that bit in the OT where jacob wrestles with the angel [it defeats him by dislocating his hip] and thinking about what the difference is - angels or demons... maybe it's about a shift in your perspective? pint pot half empty or half full sort of thing... or maybe it's about how far along the journey you are... whatever, i like the idea of wrestling with the angels...
been reading the obedience chapter in the book too, and realising that in my working life, i am very obdeient. my clients get a good service out of me and i'll bend over backwards to meet deadlines and stuff.
but at home, sue and the kids often get a bit of a raw deal - they suffer for my commitment to work. i'm much less obedient outside of my job. it's that old work/life balance thing again. so i need you all to challenge me and make me accountable for thinking and working through some changes on that front please...
also been thinking about virtue again. we've got a situation at the mo where we've not been particularly virtuous - not by anything that we've done, more by something that we've neglected - and it's weighing quite heavily on me at the mo. hold me to a commitment to do something about it...
si
Wednesday 6 June 2007
wrestling with demons
I'm feeling pretty rubbish this morning, as I've had yet another night where I dreamt of being in a very real situation where I struggled to do my best, yet was unable to achieve my goals once again. This has been a recurring dream since I've been in Canada.
All is still going excellently with LeeSun's recording / life in general (she sends her apologies for not getting to blog yesterday).
Going back to the demons, not exactly sure what they're called, but glad that they're manifesting as this feels like a step forward in (hopefully) defeating / dispelling them.
Don't know what else to write at the moment - hope this makes sense.
James
All is still going excellently with LeeSun's recording / life in general (she sends her apologies for not getting to blog yesterday).
Going back to the demons, not exactly sure what they're called, but glad that they're manifesting as this feels like a step forward in (hopefully) defeating / dispelling them.
Don't know what else to write at the moment - hope this makes sense.
James
Monday 4 June 2007
understanding
we've been using this prayer for quite a while now -
god be in my head and in my understanding
god be in my eyes and in my looking
god be in my mouth and in my speaking
god be in my heart and in my thinking
god be at my end and at my departing
i start my day with it - since the weather's been a bit warmer i've got into a nice groove of sitting out side with a coffee before i start work and practicing a bit of silence and solitude. it's good.
it's a simple enough prayer, but there's real depths to explore in there. i feel like i'm learning over and over that prayer is not so much about me petitioning god, but about god seeking and awakening things out in me...
at different times different lines in the prayer strike a chord, different things leap out at me, or at least they'll shift fuzzily into a slightly clearer focus.
i was wondering at one point whether the prayer works sequentially - eg until we begin to understand we don't know what we're looking at; or maybe the challenge gets tougher and deeper as you progress through the prayer (understanding is easier or at least more passive than looking, which is less challenging than speaking, with a revolution in your way of thinking being hardest of all...?)
anyhow.
today i'm thinking about understanding.
and i love this paradox that is opening up for me at the mo - the more that i come to understand of god, the more i realise how little of god i actually do understand.
maybe the metaphor of the journey is appropriate here - the further we travel, the more we realise how many other places there are to go.
i like that god is continually bigger and more surprising than my understanding of him/her.
so i like the idea of inviting god to be in my head, asking god to shape my understanding.
i like the idea that it's a process, i like that i'm learning, that i'm not the finished article, that i'm becoming who i was created to be.
i like that i can see that process going on in sue and the boys too, and that i'm a part of that (albeit a rather flawed one most of the time)
and i like that i can see god at work in your lives too, and i like that i can be part of your journey.
si
god be in my head and in my understanding
god be in my eyes and in my looking
god be in my mouth and in my speaking
god be in my heart and in my thinking
god be at my end and at my departing
i start my day with it - since the weather's been a bit warmer i've got into a nice groove of sitting out side with a coffee before i start work and practicing a bit of silence and solitude. it's good.
it's a simple enough prayer, but there's real depths to explore in there. i feel like i'm learning over and over that prayer is not so much about me petitioning god, but about god seeking and awakening things out in me...
at different times different lines in the prayer strike a chord, different things leap out at me, or at least they'll shift fuzzily into a slightly clearer focus.
i was wondering at one point whether the prayer works sequentially - eg until we begin to understand we don't know what we're looking at; or maybe the challenge gets tougher and deeper as you progress through the prayer (understanding is easier or at least more passive than looking, which is less challenging than speaking, with a revolution in your way of thinking being hardest of all...?)
anyhow.
today i'm thinking about understanding.
and i love this paradox that is opening up for me at the mo - the more that i come to understand of god, the more i realise how little of god i actually do understand.
maybe the metaphor of the journey is appropriate here - the further we travel, the more we realise how many other places there are to go.
i like that god is continually bigger and more surprising than my understanding of him/her.
so i like the idea of inviting god to be in my head, asking god to shape my understanding.
i like the idea that it's a process, i like that i'm learning, that i'm not the finished article, that i'm becoming who i was created to be.
i like that i can see that process going on in sue and the boys too, and that i'm a part of that (albeit a rather flawed one most of the time)
and i like that i can see god at work in your lives too, and i like that i can be part of your journey.
si
Wednesday 30 May 2007
peace
It's so great being somewhere different, strange, where I find everything - from the landscape to the language - slightly challenging and weird. It reminds me of my own frailty, and the cultural and familial props that I use to create a false sense of peace in my everyday life.
Peace comes from communion with the Creator, where else could it come from?
I've been slow to realise this, and the first few days here were filled with an ongoing and persistent internal tension that confounded me, as I had no idea why I should be feeling that way. Similarly, I dreamt horrific, oppressive dreams each night, again baffling myself when outwardly all seemed so well, and relaxed and holiday-like.
Then I realised that I was still trying to live on my own terms (as I wrote about 2 weeks ago) but I didn't have the usual props (familiar landscape, known routines, familiar weather, etc) that I rely on to instill my own sense of "alrightness", and now in this not-so-strange land I had to face up to my dis-connection with the Creator once again, and get reconnected.
Thankfully, this was quite simple, and involved me taking a moment to acknowledge that I was out of kilter, and needed to hook up with God again, and wanted to partner with him, relying on him for direction and grace to be and do, involving him in my daily decisions, and allowing him to speak into my conscience and consciousness.
Since then, I have slept beautifully, and although I still have moments of ongoing daily internal tension, I also experience waves of peace as I sense God's good presence with, within, and around me.
Thanks for the prayers, monks in Leeds.
See you soon,
James
Peace comes from communion with the Creator, where else could it come from?
I've been slow to realise this, and the first few days here were filled with an ongoing and persistent internal tension that confounded me, as I had no idea why I should be feeling that way. Similarly, I dreamt horrific, oppressive dreams each night, again baffling myself when outwardly all seemed so well, and relaxed and holiday-like.
Then I realised that I was still trying to live on my own terms (as I wrote about 2 weeks ago) but I didn't have the usual props (familiar landscape, known routines, familiar weather, etc) that I rely on to instill my own sense of "alrightness", and now in this not-so-strange land I had to face up to my dis-connection with the Creator once again, and get reconnected.
Thankfully, this was quite simple, and involved me taking a moment to acknowledge that I was out of kilter, and needed to hook up with God again, and wanted to partner with him, relying on him for direction and grace to be and do, involving him in my daily decisions, and allowing him to speak into my conscience and consciousness.
Since then, I have slept beautifully, and although I still have moments of ongoing daily internal tension, I also experience waves of peace as I sense God's good presence with, within, and around me.
Thanks for the prayers, monks in Leeds.
See you soon,
James
Tuesday 29 May 2007
jetlagged
It's been almost 4 days since we arrived on this side of the Atlantic and I'm still exhausted. I think it's jetlag.
My entire physical self is simply resisting and rebelling with all its might the adjustment to this time zone. I really should go back to bed and get a bit more sleep, but it's not happening.
I don't know why I resist resting when I need it so much. But resistance or no, I've entered a new time zone and adjust I must, and adjust I will. It's only a matter of time. Maybe that's what Monks and monastic rhythms is like, for me.
My entire physical self is simply resisting and rebelling with all its might the adjustment to this time zone. I really should go back to bed and get a bit more sleep, but it's not happening.
I don't know why I resist resting when I need it so much. But resistance or no, I've entered a new time zone and adjust I must, and adjust I will. It's only a matter of time. Maybe that's what Monks and monastic rhythms is like, for me.
Monday 28 May 2007
looking up
we talked a while ago about things that we were trying to achieve, objectives that we were hoping for.
one of mine was to stop being so anti-social and to engage more with people in and around where we live.
and then a couple of meals back we read a list of things you can do to improve your neighbourhood [we'd found it on the net one time] - one of the things was to lift your head and look up.
i've been doing that and it works.
in the past few weeks i've met three or four folk who live round our way and spoken with them properly for the first time [one of 'em is a bloke from over the road who joe hit with a football in the playground - he was very nice about it!]
it's all about intent i guess, and it's good that we're accountable to each other - it's good to know that i've committed to do this, and that i can celebrate my successes - however small - with you lot...
si
one of mine was to stop being so anti-social and to engage more with people in and around where we live.
and then a couple of meals back we read a list of things you can do to improve your neighbourhood [we'd found it on the net one time] - one of the things was to lift your head and look up.
i've been doing that and it works.
in the past few weeks i've met three or four folk who live round our way and spoken with them properly for the first time [one of 'em is a bloke from over the road who joe hit with a football in the playground - he was very nice about it!]
it's all about intent i guess, and it's good that we're accountable to each other - it's good to know that i've committed to do this, and that i can celebrate my successes - however small - with you lot...
si
Friday 25 May 2007
Preparation
We've just dropped Eddie off for a weekend away with the cubs and scouts celebrating the scouting centnary year.
I've spent most of the day organising,sorting, naming and packing clothes etc. A friend of mine has been doing the same all day for her 4 boys!! When I saw her tonight I asked if she was looking forward to the weekend away without the boys. Her response was that she wasn't sure it was worth it as it had taken so long to sort everything out!
We all go away on Sunday and so tomorrow bodes more sorting and packing in readiness for the journey!
I know (because it always happens), that when we get there it will all be worth it, but sometimes at this point I doubt the decision and wish we were just staying at home.
I guess preparing for the journey is part of the process of the journey rather than just an end in itself.
I think this is how I feel about building silence and contemplation.
There's an awful lot of sorting, naming, throwing out and then thinking about what I need to take with me on this journey of finding sanctuary.
'Amazing grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me...'
these were the dulcett tones I heard just the other day, I can't remember where from, maybe the football!!
And for me those familiar words hit me again.
And my response.... a yearning to deepen my knowledge of a God who would reach out to me in this way, a longing to enter that sanctuary, an excitement as I pack my bags to carry on the journey.
Sue
I've spent most of the day organising,sorting, naming and packing clothes etc. A friend of mine has been doing the same all day for her 4 boys!! When I saw her tonight I asked if she was looking forward to the weekend away without the boys. Her response was that she wasn't sure it was worth it as it had taken so long to sort everything out!
We all go away on Sunday and so tomorrow bodes more sorting and packing in readiness for the journey!
I know (because it always happens), that when we get there it will all be worth it, but sometimes at this point I doubt the decision and wish we were just staying at home.
I guess preparing for the journey is part of the process of the journey rather than just an end in itself.
I think this is how I feel about building silence and contemplation.
There's an awful lot of sorting, naming, throwing out and then thinking about what I need to take with me on this journey of finding sanctuary.
'Amazing grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me...'
these were the dulcett tones I heard just the other day, I can't remember where from, maybe the football!!
And for me those familiar words hit me again.
And my response.... a yearning to deepen my knowledge of a God who would reach out to me in this way, a longing to enter that sanctuary, an excitement as I pack my bags to carry on the journey.
Sue
Thursday 24 May 2007
remembering
I forgot to blog yesterday! Sorry fellow monks :) Actually, I remembered during the day, and planned to do it, but then got caught up in other things, and it slipped my mind entirely until very late last night (as I was just about to sleep).
And this reminded me (ironically?) of how often we need help in remembering. That's why I love getting together with all of you guys, and spending time thinking about what we're doing, and talking together. I need a lot of reminding, as I so quickly get caught up in all sorts of everything. So thanks for reminding me, just by being there, that we are committed to giving God space to breathe in our everyday lives. I think with the excitement of going to Canada, I'm getting increasingly doolally! Please pray that we get all we need done in the final hours here, and that the trip is smooth and successful!!! Thanks fellow monks, look forward to reading and writing on the other side of the Atlantic.
James
And this reminded me (ironically?) of how often we need help in remembering. That's why I love getting together with all of you guys, and spending time thinking about what we're doing, and talking together. I need a lot of reminding, as I so quickly get caught up in all sorts of everything. So thanks for reminding me, just by being there, that we are committed to giving God space to breathe in our everyday lives. I think with the excitement of going to Canada, I'm getting increasingly doolally! Please pray that we get all we need done in the final hours here, and that the trip is smooth and successful!!! Thanks fellow monks, look forward to reading and writing on the other side of the Atlantic.
James
Tuesday 22 May 2007
What am I thinking?
Hmmm ... must say I'm having a hard time thinking which I think is partly James' fault (grrr) as he just looked over at what I'd written and said a few things to me about what this blog is for. Apparently his comments were for info purposes only, but to me, they felt prescriptive and restrictive and constricting. It wasn't info I asked for, and it was info that actually made me delete what I'd blogged so far.
But now I can wonder why I'm so cross and blog about that! Woohoo.
Well, I'm big into giving (and getting) space and time and freedom. When someone is writing a song, or an email, or a letter, or blogging, or sketching, or painting, or doing creating anything at all, I think it's important for them to have room to try things out and enjoy the process and learn.
I hate it when people squash creativity. And I really hate it when people try to exert control over others with their judgements and prescriptions (intended or no) ... I mean, who is anyone to judge anyone else (tying in with last night's discussion, and when churches go the route of prescription, legalism, and condemnation)? Why do people play God?
I LOVE, I really really deep heart love God and the incredible freedoms available in God. It resonates right down to my toes and into my inmost being, that I've got an awesome God, LOVE herself, and that LOVE created the universe and everything in it, and it's the sort of LOVE that blows away all feeble attempts to confine and define it. It's a LOVE that invites questions and neverending growing and creating, stumbling and learning, joying and enjoying, repenting and changing, and having deepest needs and longings satisfied ... water for the thirsty, food for the hungry, shelter for the vulnerable, encouragement for the disheartened, comfort for the distressed.
It's a LOVE that teaches giving up striving, that growing can be as easy as a seed germinating and naturally stretching towards the light. It teaches that we don't need to strive, we simply need to surrender, and let our souls do what they were created to do ... seek and find and commune with the Creator, ...
It's easy because it is not by our own exertions that we reach God ... in fact, it's the opposite. It's by laying aside our exertions and owning up to the fact that it's all God, ...
Why do I get so caught up in my own little plans then, and not take the time to really rest and glide with LOVE dwelling in the picture of my NOW? I don't know. I suppose I succumb too often to the temptation to play God over my own life. The very thing that makes me so cross when people do it to others, I do to myself. Ouch.
It is my Will that fights to control, to figure out, to make its own provisions, and it's this fighting impulse to overthrow or ignore God that makes it so difficult to do what is so easy. It is my human nature fighting my spiritual nature. And it seems the only way to reconcile the two is to surrender one to the other.
For me, praying in the Spirit (otherwise known as praying in tongues) as I go about my daily business helps. I've fallen out of the habit (dunno if I ever was consistent enough to say I ever was in the habit, in fact) of morning/night prayers. Must remember tonight ... please pray for me, guys, if you remember ... and I'll pray for you ...
But now I can wonder why I'm so cross and blog about that! Woohoo.
Well, I'm big into giving (and getting) space and time and freedom. When someone is writing a song, or an email, or a letter, or blogging, or sketching, or painting, or doing creating anything at all, I think it's important for them to have room to try things out and enjoy the process and learn.
I hate it when people squash creativity. And I really hate it when people try to exert control over others with their judgements and prescriptions (intended or no) ... I mean, who is anyone to judge anyone else (tying in with last night's discussion, and when churches go the route of prescription, legalism, and condemnation)? Why do people play God?
I LOVE, I really really deep heart love God and the incredible freedoms available in God. It resonates right down to my toes and into my inmost being, that I've got an awesome God, LOVE herself, and that LOVE created the universe and everything in it, and it's the sort of LOVE that blows away all feeble attempts to confine and define it. It's a LOVE that invites questions and neverending growing and creating, stumbling and learning, joying and enjoying, repenting and changing, and having deepest needs and longings satisfied ... water for the thirsty, food for the hungry, shelter for the vulnerable, encouragement for the disheartened, comfort for the distressed.
It's a LOVE that teaches giving up striving, that growing can be as easy as a seed germinating and naturally stretching towards the light. It teaches that we don't need to strive, we simply need to surrender, and let our souls do what they were created to do ... seek and find and commune with the Creator, ...
It's easy because it is not by our own exertions that we reach God ... in fact, it's the opposite. It's by laying aside our exertions and owning up to the fact that it's all God, ...
Why do I get so caught up in my own little plans then, and not take the time to really rest and glide with LOVE dwelling in the picture of my NOW? I don't know. I suppose I succumb too often to the temptation to play God over my own life. The very thing that makes me so cross when people do it to others, I do to myself. Ouch.
It is my Will that fights to control, to figure out, to make its own provisions, and it's this fighting impulse to overthrow or ignore God that makes it so difficult to do what is so easy. It is my human nature fighting my spiritual nature. And it seems the only way to reconcile the two is to surrender one to the other.
For me, praying in the Spirit (otherwise known as praying in tongues) as I go about my daily business helps. I've fallen out of the habit (dunno if I ever was consistent enough to say I ever was in the habit, in fact) of morning/night prayers. Must remember tonight ... please pray for me, guys, if you remember ... and I'll pray for you ...
Monday 21 May 2007
superaliveness.
earlier in the year i was warned by the doc that i needed to lose some weight, and so i cut back fairly hard on the amount that i was eating, and it's had the desired effect. but as a pleasant result of the diet i began to really savour my food again; it's like i'm feeding my taste buds and not just my belly. as leesun said last week, less is more.
and now a similar thing has happened with the silence. i have to admit that the past few days have been a bit manic and the practice of stillness has been a bit absent from my routine, but i've generally noticed that i'm hearing stuff more accutely, becoming aware of the ambient sounds around me that are normally drowned out by my noise; the sound of the shower, birdsong, kids playing, the tick and creaking of central heating pipes, next door washing up, traffic off in the distance, the hum of the the laptop, dogs barking, wind lifting bits of plastic sheeting on the building site in the garden, the gurgling of the coffee machine, joe upstairs practicisng the songs for his school assembly, the hum of the fridge, neighbours dragging out their wheelie bins, the occasional plip of water in the cistern [and our not-quite-watertight-yet extension!]...
in 'everyday apocalypse' david dark talks about holiness, about how we tend to see it as a sort of other-wordly and aloof state, but how in reality it's more of an opposite state to that, a state of 'superaliveness', a state of heightened awareness and engagement with the world around you. and i'm thinking that that's partly what the silence is bringing me into. that's where the practise of solitude is leading me.
of course i'm not there yet - nowhere near; it's two [baby] steps forward, one step back, and there's a huge distance to travel, but it's good to be able to note these changes for the better, to be able to mark the benefits of this journey that we've undertaken...
and so i was wondering about adding a line to our prayer - god be in my ears, and in my listening...?
si
and now a similar thing has happened with the silence. i have to admit that the past few days have been a bit manic and the practice of stillness has been a bit absent from my routine, but i've generally noticed that i'm hearing stuff more accutely, becoming aware of the ambient sounds around me that are normally drowned out by my noise; the sound of the shower, birdsong, kids playing, the tick and creaking of central heating pipes, next door washing up, traffic off in the distance, the hum of the the laptop, dogs barking, wind lifting bits of plastic sheeting on the building site in the garden, the gurgling of the coffee machine, joe upstairs practicisng the songs for his school assembly, the hum of the fridge, neighbours dragging out their wheelie bins, the occasional plip of water in the cistern [and our not-quite-watertight-yet extension!]...
in 'everyday apocalypse' david dark talks about holiness, about how we tend to see it as a sort of other-wordly and aloof state, but how in reality it's more of an opposite state to that, a state of 'superaliveness', a state of heightened awareness and engagement with the world around you. and i'm thinking that that's partly what the silence is bringing me into. that's where the practise of solitude is leading me.
of course i'm not there yet - nowhere near; it's two [baby] steps forward, one step back, and there's a huge distance to travel, but it's good to be able to note these changes for the better, to be able to mark the benefits of this journey that we've undertaken...
and so i was wondering about adding a line to our prayer - god be in my ears, and in my listening...?
si
Friday 18 May 2007
Simple things
Recently we stayed with some good friends of ours down south. On our final morning together we awoke to a real heavy downpour. As we looked out onto the back garden my friends response was 'look at the starlings they're having a fantastic time'.
I smiled to myself as this was a typical comment from him, one of sheer delight and optimism at what looked like a fairly grim day ahead. I was struck by the simplicity at what he'd observed and the enjoyment he took from watching the birds.
The other week whilst waiting for what seemed like hours in orthopaedics (eddie was having his cast removed)an afro-caribbean nurse came out into the waiting room and called a patient, this very elderly lady struggled from her seat. The nurse very gently went to put an arm around her amongst all these people just sitting, waiting,staring. I found it a very moving moment, partly because it was such a gentle offer of help, partly because the woman was so fragile and then because of the obvious black helping white. ( that might not have come out quite right but I know what I mean) Such a simple gesture and yet one full of so many complexities.
I have been delighted and struck how such simple things have been brought to my attention in the last few weeks. The stilling of my busy life even for just short moments has brought me to a point of thankfulness and acceptance.
Neither moments were when I was alone .
I guess I'm learning that contemplation and stillness can happen wherever and whenever if I'm willing to have a go.
Sue
I smiled to myself as this was a typical comment from him, one of sheer delight and optimism at what looked like a fairly grim day ahead. I was struck by the simplicity at what he'd observed and the enjoyment he took from watching the birds.
The other week whilst waiting for what seemed like hours in orthopaedics (eddie was having his cast removed)an afro-caribbean nurse came out into the waiting room and called a patient, this very elderly lady struggled from her seat. The nurse very gently went to put an arm around her amongst all these people just sitting, waiting,staring. I found it a very moving moment, partly because it was such a gentle offer of help, partly because the woman was so fragile and then because of the obvious black helping white. ( that might not have come out quite right but I know what I mean) Such a simple gesture and yet one full of so many complexities.
I have been delighted and struck how such simple things have been brought to my attention in the last few weeks. The stilling of my busy life even for just short moments has brought me to a point of thankfulness and acceptance.
Neither moments were when I was alone .
I guess I'm learning that contemplation and stillness can happen wherever and whenever if I'm willing to have a go.
Sue
Wednesday 16 May 2007
Whose agenda?
I think the big challenge for me is whose agenda I am going to follow. I know this because yesterday a surprising thought popped into my head. It simply asked,
"Whose agenda are you going to follow today, yours or mine?"
This was a real challenge, and a real answer to prayer, as I've been asking God to speak to me in a way that I can understand.
As I reflected on this question, I realised that almost everything I do is based on my agenda: either what I want, or what I *think* others want - whether my nearest and dearest, or random strangers, or God. But almost never do I stop and listen to see what God might want. So I tried it yesterday, and I think it worked quite well, although I was quite aware of how selfish I can be through a normal day, and kept on having to check myself from thinking and/or acting in a way that (on reflection) I was horrified with!!!
So - the question again today is: whose agenda am I going to follow? This is a great challenge for me everyday, because it gets me thinking outside of myself, and actually engaging in a conversation with God that doesn't just go, "Oh God, please bless x and y and z, and help me with a and b and c." Instead, it sounds more like, "Oh God, you know I want to do a, b and c, but what do you think? Is that cool with you, or what?" (And then I actually wait and hope and expect that, at the right time, God will give me the answer.)
So, day 2 of the new agenda ;) So far, so good. Although, I'm sooo tired today, feel like I'm completely drunk, and a bit useless (although in reality I'm neither of these). But this is a good testing ground for listening and doing God's way, and seeing how that works out. Thanks God.
James
"Whose agenda are you going to follow today, yours or mine?"
This was a real challenge, and a real answer to prayer, as I've been asking God to speak to me in a way that I can understand.
As I reflected on this question, I realised that almost everything I do is based on my agenda: either what I want, or what I *think* others want - whether my nearest and dearest, or random strangers, or God. But almost never do I stop and listen to see what God might want. So I tried it yesterday, and I think it worked quite well, although I was quite aware of how selfish I can be through a normal day, and kept on having to check myself from thinking and/or acting in a way that (on reflection) I was horrified with!!!
So - the question again today is: whose agenda am I going to follow? This is a great challenge for me everyday, because it gets me thinking outside of myself, and actually engaging in a conversation with God that doesn't just go, "Oh God, please bless x and y and z, and help me with a and b and c." Instead, it sounds more like, "Oh God, you know I want to do a, b and c, but what do you think? Is that cool with you, or what?" (And then I actually wait and hope and expect that, at the right time, God will give me the answer.)
So, day 2 of the new agenda ;) So far, so good. Although, I'm sooo tired today, feel like I'm completely drunk, and a bit useless (although in reality I'm neither of these). But this is a good testing ground for listening and doing God's way, and seeing how that works out. Thanks God.
James
Tuesday 15 May 2007
less is more
I spent this morning trying to throw things away. This, so I could make enough space in the shed to stash one couch and one coffee table. This, so I could walk through the lounge without having to wriggle sideways past all the furniture and newly arrived piano.
The couch and coffee table have been duly relegated to the shed, and the ensuing mobility options in the lounge are satisfying indeed!
Which makes me think: less is more. Getting rid of stuff increases space.
And that seems like a metaphor just screaming to happen. Getting rid of extraneous activities and busy-ness creates life-space. Head-space. Time ... to be.
And of course, that made me think of 'Monks'. The good old Abbot urges us to make space in our lives for sanctuary. What do I need to get rid of?
Si mentioned the old 'not turning on the computer in the mornings' thing, at our last Monks get-together. And that hits the nail on the head for me. I had a minute of indecision this morning when I debated whether or not I should switch on my laptop and check my emails. Sadly, I decided 'yes'. Tomorrow, I'll aim for 'no'.
In fact, I'll aim to get off as soon as I've clicked on 'PUBLISH', and not turn on my laptop again today till bedtime.
Baby steps forward ...
The couch and coffee table have been duly relegated to the shed, and the ensuing mobility options in the lounge are satisfying indeed!
Which makes me think: less is more. Getting rid of stuff increases space.
And that seems like a metaphor just screaming to happen. Getting rid of extraneous activities and busy-ness creates life-space. Head-space. Time ... to be.
And of course, that made me think of 'Monks'. The good old Abbot urges us to make space in our lives for sanctuary. What do I need to get rid of?
Si mentioned the old 'not turning on the computer in the mornings' thing, at our last Monks get-together. And that hits the nail on the head for me. I had a minute of indecision this morning when I debated whether or not I should switch on my laptop and check my emails. Sadly, I decided 'yes'. Tomorrow, I'll aim for 'no'.
In fact, I'll aim to get off as soon as I've clicked on 'PUBLISH', and not turn on my laptop again today till bedtime.
Baby steps forward ...
Monday 14 May 2007
monday...
ok.
at our meal last week we decided to try to use the blog here a bit more - to help us to become more disciplined and to be more accountable. monks in a monastery have that daily support of their community, the discipline of a shared routine, they're all in it together for the long haul... we talked about how that might make it easier [or at least simpler] to take on this monastic thing - just to be set apart and to have the pursuit of monastic silence, stillness, prayer, contemplation as your main goal, with very few distractions. meanwhile we're struggling with all these added extras - mainly work and family i guess... but also the values[noisy, busy, individualistic, consumerist...] of the communities and the world that we live in, which maybe run counter to the way that we'd ideally like it to be...
[...of course, that's not to say that life in a monastery is easy - there's no place to hide, no easy excuses or cosy diversions for the monks there...!]
so - the plan is for us to blog daily through the week [taking saturday and sunday off!]in order to build a bit more rigour and continuity into our group. [this i think will be especially important as folk disappear off to far-flung parts of the world to do cool stuff...!]
and so here we go...
looking forward to hearing from you all!
si
at our meal last week we decided to try to use the blog here a bit more - to help us to become more disciplined and to be more accountable. monks in a monastery have that daily support of their community, the discipline of a shared routine, they're all in it together for the long haul... we talked about how that might make it easier [or at least simpler] to take on this monastic thing - just to be set apart and to have the pursuit of monastic silence, stillness, prayer, contemplation as your main goal, with very few distractions. meanwhile we're struggling with all these added extras - mainly work and family i guess... but also the values[noisy, busy, individualistic, consumerist...] of the communities and the world that we live in, which maybe run counter to the way that we'd ideally like it to be...
[...of course, that's not to say that life in a monastery is easy - there's no place to hide, no easy excuses or cosy diversions for the monks there...!]
so - the plan is for us to blog daily through the week [taking saturday and sunday off!]in order to build a bit more rigour and continuity into our group. [this i think will be especially important as folk disappear off to far-flung parts of the world to do cool stuff...!]
and so here we go...
looking forward to hearing from you all!
si
Tuesday 1 May 2007
struggling
i have to confess that i'm finding our monastic thing a bit of a struggle at the mo.
finding it hard to motivate myself to make the time and space to be quiet, to read the book, to pray, to be still, to just be.
it's just so ingrained in me to do stuff; to consume; to drown out the silence with the radio and with music, to make a noise, to find some interesting distractions; to keep my head down and to avoid the conversations, to retreat into old, comfortable, familiar behaviours...
i'm so sold out on the idea of instant gratification. even in my spiritual life - so much of what's on offer in christian circles is a quick-fix thing, a consumerist answer to all your problems - buy into this programme, be it the purpose driven life or everyday with jesus or willow creek or alpha or _____________________ [insert your own favourite here]
and none of it works, because it's not about what you do, it's about who you are, and about being the person that you were created to be...
so that's why i'm struggling. i'm gradually being challenged to change everything - or at least that's how it feels right now - it's a paradigm shift, and i'm rebelling against it, and maybe against god.
there's a lot of internal resistance going on!
and i know that i can't win...
and yet i somehow can't give in. not yet... maybe i'm scared of what submission will mean, what the consequences will be...
(maybe this is what it means to wrestle with your demons...
which is, of course, what all good monks do.)
so whilst it's unsettling and uncomfortable, it's a good thing, this struggle.
and i'm glad of it.
si
finding it hard to motivate myself to make the time and space to be quiet, to read the book, to pray, to be still, to just be.
it's just so ingrained in me to do stuff; to consume; to drown out the silence with the radio and with music, to make a noise, to find some interesting distractions; to keep my head down and to avoid the conversations, to retreat into old, comfortable, familiar behaviours...
i'm so sold out on the idea of instant gratification. even in my spiritual life - so much of what's on offer in christian circles is a quick-fix thing, a consumerist answer to all your problems - buy into this programme, be it the purpose driven life or everyday with jesus or willow creek or alpha or _____________________ [insert your own favourite here]
and none of it works, because it's not about what you do, it's about who you are, and about being the person that you were created to be...
so that's why i'm struggling. i'm gradually being challenged to change everything - or at least that's how it feels right now - it's a paradigm shift, and i'm rebelling against it, and maybe against god.
there's a lot of internal resistance going on!
and i know that i can't win...
and yet i somehow can't give in. not yet... maybe i'm scared of what submission will mean, what the consequences will be...
(maybe this is what it means to wrestle with your demons...
which is, of course, what all good monks do.)
so whilst it's unsettling and uncomfortable, it's a good thing, this struggle.
and i'm glad of it.
si
Thursday 19 April 2007
getting serious
I admit, though I've been enjoying reading the book and thinking about it, I haven't really been taking it seriously ... until recently ... since hearing about "framing my day with silence" with 5 minutes of silence at the beginning, and 5 minutes of silence at the end.
What an idea! I don't know why but just the idea of framing of my days really gets to me.
Well, I'm trying. My first "framed" day was two days ago. And it was a surprising experience.
I keep getting pictures and thoughts ... and just to be a bit cryptic, one thought that I keep coming back to is: "I am a tree." I thought I'd quite like to be in a house, and quite like to have a cat, but trees don't belong in houses, nor do they keep cats.
Entonces, my fellow monks, I'm now going wholehog ... apologies for my lack of commitment heretofore!
What an idea! I don't know why but just the idea of framing of my days really gets to me.
Well, I'm trying. My first "framed" day was two days ago. And it was a surprising experience.
I keep getting pictures and thoughts ... and just to be a bit cryptic, one thought that I keep coming back to is: "I am a tree." I thought I'd quite like to be in a house, and quite like to have a cat, but trees don't belong in houses, nor do they keep cats.
Entonces, my fellow monks, I'm now going wholehog ... apologies for my lack of commitment heretofore!
Monday 16 April 2007
weird side effect...
here's a weird side effect of this journey that we're on.
i always have a sketchbook with me - in a free moment i'll scribble away in it. not sketching as such, just filling the thing with ideas and potential projects and stuff...
since we've been doing the stillness thing though, i've struggled to find anything put down on paper.
this is, generally speaking, a good thing - though there may not be so many other outward signs of it as yet, i'm quietening down inside...
there's less need to be doing stuff and churning out ideas, more time to just be. it's good, and kind of scary, letting go of that need to always be producing...
si
i always have a sketchbook with me - in a free moment i'll scribble away in it. not sketching as such, just filling the thing with ideas and potential projects and stuff...
since we've been doing the stillness thing though, i've struggled to find anything put down on paper.
this is, generally speaking, a good thing - though there may not be so many other outward signs of it as yet, i'm quietening down inside...
there's less need to be doing stuff and churning out ideas, more time to just be. it's good, and kind of scary, letting go of that need to always be producing...
si
Sunday 1 April 2007
solitude and setting sail
at our last meal, james mentioned henri nouwen, and some of his thoughts on solitude and community...
i work alone, from home, and so the idea of solitude is quite an appropriate one for me to be grappling with.
in the passage that james has sent us, he (nouwen) contrasts the states of loneliness and solitude - 'loneliness is painful, solitude is peaceful. loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation, solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.' (he goes on to expand on this idea, but if i try to precis him i won't do him justice...if i can find a link at some point, i'll post it! )
it ties in with the monastic idea of wrestling with your demons in the stillness and the silence... this past week i've been a bit more intentional in my aloneness, trying to work out the solitude and rather than just avoiding the loneliness, and i've ended up having to confront some of my less pleasant traits on several occasions. this is a good thing, but also quite a difficult thing - there are hard lessons to learn, but it's an important process to enter into. it feels like i've stumbled into something quite pivotal and exciting and not a little frightening; something liberating and necessary and potentially rather wonderful; a place where maybe god can get at me (thank you james!)
also, this weekend we were with the revive community at sneaton castle with mark berry, who talked to us about exile and communitas and pilgrimage... there was loads of good stuff to chew on and grapple with in there*. lots of affirmation of the journey that we have made ths far, and plenty of encouragement for the next step ("set sail"). sue and i have been talking about where our little monastic group might go in the light of what was discussed - there's not time or space to open that up here now (i should have been asleep half an hour ago!) but maybe we'll post more over the coming days as the ideas and possibilities settle in our minds...
*see mark's blog http://markjberry.blogs.com/way_out_west/2007/03/a_third_place.html for his bullet points (hope to have his powerpoint slides later in the week for more detailed reflection!)
si ;-)
i work alone, from home, and so the idea of solitude is quite an appropriate one for me to be grappling with.
in the passage that james has sent us, he (nouwen) contrasts the states of loneliness and solitude - 'loneliness is painful, solitude is peaceful. loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation, solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.' (he goes on to expand on this idea, but if i try to precis him i won't do him justice...if i can find a link at some point, i'll post it! )
it ties in with the monastic idea of wrestling with your demons in the stillness and the silence... this past week i've been a bit more intentional in my aloneness, trying to work out the solitude and rather than just avoiding the loneliness, and i've ended up having to confront some of my less pleasant traits on several occasions. this is a good thing, but also quite a difficult thing - there are hard lessons to learn, but it's an important process to enter into. it feels like i've stumbled into something quite pivotal and exciting and not a little frightening; something liberating and necessary and potentially rather wonderful; a place where maybe god can get at me (thank you james!)
also, this weekend we were with the revive community at sneaton castle with mark berry, who talked to us about exile and communitas and pilgrimage... there was loads of good stuff to chew on and grapple with in there*. lots of affirmation of the journey that we have made ths far, and plenty of encouragement for the next step ("set sail"). sue and i have been talking about where our little monastic group might go in the light of what was discussed - there's not time or space to open that up here now (i should have been asleep half an hour ago!) but maybe we'll post more over the coming days as the ideas and possibilities settle in our minds...
*see mark's blog http://markjberry.blogs.com/way_out_west/2007/03/a_third_place.html for his bullet points (hope to have his powerpoint slides later in the week for more detailed reflection!)
si ;-)
Sunday 25 March 2007
stillness
Chapter two is all about silence.
I'm only part way through it, but it's hard to be still, to be truly silent. As the book says, our heads are full of noise.
So tonight, as it's the first day of spring and the clocks have gone forward, I stoked up our chiminea for the first time and sat out in the dark for a bit of still time.
There's a lot of light pollution round here, and it's a bit cloudy for star-gazing, but it was good to sit and listen - to distant buses pulling up and drawing away; twice, a train (even though the nearest line is a long way away i think); the crackle, spit and flutter of the fire; next door's bath filling and then emptying a short while later; the breeze rustling the edges of bin liners full of garden cuttings...
It's hard to be mentally still though - the thoughts keep springing up; everything from work, to family to the England football team and their latest failures... but i like what the abbot says in the book; you have to persevere; it's like pulling up weeds in a garden, you have to keep on top of it while the plants grow. So this has been a good beginning - me and some burning wood and the traffic noise...
Si
I'm only part way through it, but it's hard to be still, to be truly silent. As the book says, our heads are full of noise.
So tonight, as it's the first day of spring and the clocks have gone forward, I stoked up our chiminea for the first time and sat out in the dark for a bit of still time.
There's a lot of light pollution round here, and it's a bit cloudy for star-gazing, but it was good to sit and listen - to distant buses pulling up and drawing away; twice, a train (even though the nearest line is a long way away i think); the crackle, spit and flutter of the fire; next door's bath filling and then emptying a short while later; the breeze rustling the edges of bin liners full of garden cuttings...
It's hard to be mentally still though - the thoughts keep springing up; everything from work, to family to the England football team and their latest failures... but i like what the abbot says in the book; you have to persevere; it's like pulling up weeds in a garden, you have to keep on top of it while the plants grow. So this has been a good beginning - me and some burning wood and the traffic noise...
Si
Sunday 18 March 2007
Busy-ness
So we've decided to read this book, 'finding sanctuary' by Abbot Christopher Jamieson (from the 'Monastery' tv documentary).
We're doing a chapter a fortnight, and meeting to discuss the issues arising... a bit like a book group, only far more spiritual, obviously ;-)
Chapter one is about busy-ness. And the idea that we are sold out to the idea of consumption - earn more, buy more, have more, consume more, work more to earn more to buy more etc etc. But this is a choice. We choose to be busy and we can choose to opt out and live counter-culturally, to reject the consumerist mindset and do less.
I am struggling with this. I know that he's right, and I can't disagree with any of the things said in the chapter. But my gut instinct and my mindset is to be busy, to make stuff to do, to have stuff going on. On top of this we have a mortgage that requires me to be earning.
When we first came to Leeds, there was a Revive event where we were asked to pray and think about our calling. I asked god what he wanted me to do, and the answer came back very clearly that it wasn't about doing, but being - being a dad and a husband, primarily. I have to confess that I've not really been very good at that - my drive to do stuff is very strong. But it's something that I need to struggle with a bit more I think.
And what I love about the book is that it's refreshingly honest - "you will, of course fail... but failing is quite different from not even trying." So here's the process that I need to engage with - to begin to be more and do less, to downsize my consumerist aspirations and live more simply...
Si
We're doing a chapter a fortnight, and meeting to discuss the issues arising... a bit like a book group, only far more spiritual, obviously ;-)
Chapter one is about busy-ness. And the idea that we are sold out to the idea of consumption - earn more, buy more, have more, consume more, work more to earn more to buy more etc etc. But this is a choice. We choose to be busy and we can choose to opt out and live counter-culturally, to reject the consumerist mindset and do less.
I am struggling with this. I know that he's right, and I can't disagree with any of the things said in the chapter. But my gut instinct and my mindset is to be busy, to make stuff to do, to have stuff going on. On top of this we have a mortgage that requires me to be earning.
When we first came to Leeds, there was a Revive event where we were asked to pray and think about our calling. I asked god what he wanted me to do, and the answer came back very clearly that it wasn't about doing, but being - being a dad and a husband, primarily. I have to confess that I've not really been very good at that - my drive to do stuff is very strong. But it's something that I need to struggle with a bit more I think.
And what I love about the book is that it's refreshingly honest - "you will, of course fail... but failing is quite different from not even trying." So here's the process that I need to engage with - to begin to be more and do less, to downsize my consumerist aspirations and live more simply...
Si
Tuesday 6 February 2007
Illustrator's prayer
A couple of months back we were discussing the idea of writing prayers that connect with our working lives, that invite God into our daily routine, that might help us to find the spiritual depth in the mundanity of our everyday experience - "heaven in ordinary*"...
Anyway, here's what I came up with...
My creator
You are a big God
with an eye for the smallest things
Guide my hand today
and lead my eye
May I find you in my graft
and in the crafting of things
And may you be found in the things I create
amen
Si :-)
[*it's the theme of this year's Greenbelt festival too...]
Anyway, here's what I came up with...
My creator
You are a big God
with an eye for the smallest things
Guide my hand today
and lead my eye
May I find you in my graft
and in the crafting of things
And may you be found in the things I create
amen
Si :-)
[*it's the theme of this year's Greenbelt festival too...]
Tuesday 16 January 2007
This is a journey...
That we've already all begun. My name's James, I'm sat on the bed next to my wife, LeeSun who is currently editing her music which is available to buy online NOW with a nifty video coming soon which our friend and fellow monk, Simon may contribute some artwork to :) So welcome to our blog.
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