struggling

i have to confess that i'm finding our monastic thing a bit of a struggle at the mo.

finding it hard to motivate myself to make the time and space to be quiet, to read the book, to pray, to be still, to just be.

it's just so ingrained in me to do stuff; to consume; to drown out the silence with the radio and with music, to make a noise, to find some interesting distractions; to keep my head down and to avoid the conversations, to retreat into old, comfortable, familiar behaviours...

i'm so sold out on the idea of instant gratification. even in my spiritual life - so much of what's on offer in christian circles is a quick-fix thing, a consumerist answer to all your problems - buy into this programme, be it the purpose driven life or everyday with jesus or willow creek or alpha or _____________________ [insert your own favourite here]

and none of it works, because it's not about what you do, it's about who you are, and about being the person that you were created to be...

so that's why i'm struggling. i'm gradually being challenged to change everything - or at least that's how it feels right now - it's a paradigm shift, and i'm rebelling against it, and maybe against god.
there's a lot of internal resistance going on!
and i know that i can't win...
and yet i somehow can't give in. not yet... maybe i'm scared of what submission will mean, what the consequences will be...

(maybe this is what it means to wrestle with your demons...
which is, of course, what all good monks do.)




so whilst it's unsettling and uncomfortable, it's a good thing, this struggle.
and i'm glad of it.


si