Returning home

Dear fellow monks,

I'm sorry for my inability to have joined in the conversation until now. And I'm sorry that today's not my day but I wanted to get in there as I've just read through the posts and feel inspired to chip in.

I've been away and now I'm home.

I love the familiarity of returning home, whether it's to a person or a place that feels like a safe zone of belonging - it always fills me with a special kind of joy.

But this time I'm returning in a slightly different way and with slightly different intentions. Being away for three months and reading Finding Sanctuary in foreign climes has encouraged me to change pace a little. To take time to feel my way slowly. To not rush and strive so much. OK I know what you're going to say - the 'not striving' kind of comes naturally anyway as working has never been my strong point!.

What I mean is that for me reading Finding Sanctuary has very much been about trying to find a way I can spend less time being sociable.

This might sound strange but before going away I got to the point where I felt drained from constantly seeing people and being out and about in social contexts. The thing is I love people. I love talking to people and I love being around people I love (or even just the ones I like). I don't think this is a bad thing but when I spend all my time rushing from appointment to appointment I think there's something not quite right because frankly - it has become a way of escaping. Escaping responsibility and escaping silence. I'm not good with silence.

I realise this may now be very long so I'm going to finish but I just wanted to say that I still want to be around people but I need to find ways to lead a calmer life and I reckon you guys can hold me to this a little. Because it can't be about becoming totally inward-looking - that would be selfish and wrong - but I have to learn how to have balance. Since I've been back I haven't rushed round seeing people. I've let things happen naturally and gently and I feel energised instead of paralised. I just hope I can carry on like this without giving in to the temptation of being ms social whirl again...

Having said all that, it's good to be home and I can't wait to see you all!

Esther