peace

It's so great being somewhere different, strange, where I find everything - from the landscape to the language - slightly challenging and weird. It reminds me of my own frailty, and the cultural and familial props that I use to create a false sense of peace in my everyday life.

Peace comes from communion with the Creator, where else could it come from?

I've been slow to realise this, and the first few days here were filled with an ongoing and persistent internal tension that confounded me, as I had no idea why I should be feeling that way. Similarly, I dreamt horrific, oppressive dreams each night, again baffling myself when outwardly all seemed so well, and relaxed and holiday-like.

Then I realised that I was still trying to live on my own terms (as I wrote about 2 weeks ago) but I didn't have the usual props (familiar landscape, known routines, familiar weather, etc) that I rely on to instill my own sense of "alrightness", and now in this not-so-strange land I had to face up to my dis-connection with the Creator once again, and get reconnected.

Thankfully, this was quite simple, and involved me taking a moment to acknowledge that I was out of kilter, and needed to hook up with God again, and wanted to partner with him, relying on him for direction and grace to be and do, involving him in my daily decisions, and allowing him to speak into my conscience and consciousness.

Since then, I have slept beautifully, and although I still have moments of ongoing daily internal tension, I also experience waves of peace as I sense God's good presence with, within, and around me.

Thanks for the prayers, monks in Leeds.

See you soon,

James

jetlagged

It's been almost 4 days since we arrived on this side of the Atlantic and I'm still exhausted. I think it's jetlag.

My entire physical self is simply resisting and rebelling with all its might the adjustment to this time zone. I really should go back to bed and get a bit more sleep, but it's not happening.

I don't know why I resist resting when I need it so much. But resistance or no, I've entered a new time zone and adjust I must, and adjust I will. It's only a matter of time. Maybe that's what Monks and monastic rhythms is like, for me.

looking up

we talked a while ago about things that we were trying to achieve, objectives that we were hoping for.
one of mine was to stop being so anti-social and to engage more with people in and around where we live.

and then a couple of meals back we read a list of things you can do to improve your neighbourhood [we'd found it on the net one time] - one of the things was to lift your head and look up.
i've been doing that and it works.
in the past few weeks i've met three or four folk who live round our way and spoken with them properly for the first time [one of 'em is a bloke from over the road who joe hit with a football in the playground - he was very nice about it!]

it's all about intent i guess, and it's good that we're accountable to each other - it's good to know that i've committed to do this, and that i can celebrate my successes - however small - with you lot...

si

Preparation

We've just dropped Eddie off for a weekend away with the cubs and scouts celebrating the scouting centnary year.
I've spent most of the day organising,sorting, naming and packing clothes etc. A friend of mine has been doing the same all day for her 4 boys!! When I saw her tonight I asked if she was looking forward to the weekend away without the boys. Her response was that she wasn't sure it was worth it as it had taken so long to sort everything out!

We all go away on Sunday and so tomorrow bodes more sorting and packing in readiness for the journey!
I know (because it always happens), that when we get there it will all be worth it, but sometimes at this point I doubt the decision and wish we were just staying at home.

I guess preparing for the journey is part of the process of the journey rather than just an end in itself.

I think this is how I feel about building silence and contemplation.
There's an awful lot of sorting, naming, throwing out and then thinking about what I need to take with me on this journey of finding sanctuary.

'Amazing grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me...'

these were the dulcett tones I heard just the other day, I can't remember where from, maybe the football!!

And for me those familiar words hit me again.

And my response.... a yearning to deepen my knowledge of a God who would reach out to me in this way, a longing to enter that sanctuary, an excitement as I pack my bags to carry on the journey.

Sue

remembering

I forgot to blog yesterday! Sorry fellow monks :) Actually, I remembered during the day, and planned to do it, but then got caught up in other things, and it slipped my mind entirely until very late last night (as I was just about to sleep).

And this reminded me (ironically?) of how often we need help in remembering. That's why I love getting together with all of you guys, and spending time thinking about what we're doing, and talking together. I need a lot of reminding, as I so quickly get caught up in all sorts of everything. So thanks for reminding me, just by being there, that we are committed to giving God space to breathe in our everyday lives. I think with the excitement of going to Canada, I'm getting increasingly doolally! Please pray that we get all we need done in the final hours here, and that the trip is smooth and successful!!! Thanks fellow monks, look forward to reading and writing on the other side of the Atlantic.

James

What am I thinking?

Hmmm ... must say I'm having a hard time thinking which I think is partly James' fault (grrr) as he just looked over at what I'd written and said a few things to me about what this blog is for. Apparently his comments were for info purposes only, but to me, they felt prescriptive and restrictive and constricting. It wasn't info I asked for, and it was info that actually made me delete what I'd blogged so far.

But now I can wonder why I'm so cross and blog about that! Woohoo.

Well, I'm big into giving (and getting) space and time and freedom. When someone is writing a song, or an email, or a letter, or blogging, or sketching, or painting, or doing creating anything at all, I think it's important for them to have room to try things out and enjoy the process and learn.

I hate it when people squash creativity. And I really hate it when people try to exert control over others with their judgements and prescriptions (intended or no) ... I mean, who is anyone to judge anyone else (tying in with last night's discussion, and when churches go the route of prescription, legalism, and condemnation)? Why do people play God?

I LOVE, I really really deep heart love God and the incredible freedoms available in God. It resonates right down to my toes and into my inmost being, that I've got an awesome God, LOVE herself, and that LOVE created the universe and everything in it, and it's the sort of LOVE that blows away all feeble attempts to confine and define it. It's a LOVE that invites questions and neverending growing and creating, stumbling and learning, joying and enjoying, repenting and changing, and having deepest needs and longings satisfied ... water for the thirsty, food for the hungry, shelter for the vulnerable, encouragement for the disheartened, comfort for the distressed.

It's a LOVE that teaches giving up striving, that growing can be as easy as a seed germinating and naturally stretching towards the light. It teaches that we don't need to strive, we simply need to surrender, and let our souls do what they were created to do ... seek and find and commune with the Creator, ...

It's easy because it is not by our own exertions that we reach God ... in fact, it's the opposite. It's by laying aside our exertions and owning up to the fact that it's all God, ...

Why do I get so caught up in my own little plans then, and not take the time to really rest and glide with LOVE dwelling in the picture of my NOW? I don't know. I suppose I succumb too often to the temptation to play God over my own life. The very thing that makes me so cross when people do it to others, I do to myself. Ouch.

It is my Will that fights to control, to figure out, to make its own provisions, and it's this fighting impulse to overthrow or ignore God that makes it so difficult to do what is so easy. It is my human nature fighting my spiritual nature. And it seems the only way to reconcile the two is to surrender one to the other.

For me, praying in the Spirit (otherwise known as praying in tongues) as I go about my daily business helps. I've fallen out of the habit (dunno if I ever was consistent enough to say I ever was in the habit, in fact) of morning/night prayers. Must remember tonight ... please pray for me, guys, if you remember ... and I'll pray for you ...

superaliveness.

earlier in the year i was warned by the doc that i needed to lose some weight, and so i cut back fairly hard on the amount that i was eating, and it's had the desired effect. but as a pleasant result of the diet i began to really savour my food again; it's like i'm feeding my taste buds and not just my belly. as leesun said last week, less is more.

and now a similar thing has happened with the silence. i have to admit that the past few days have been a bit manic and the practice of stillness has been a bit absent from my routine, but i've generally noticed that i'm hearing stuff more accutely, becoming aware of the ambient sounds around me that are normally drowned out by my noise; the sound of the shower, birdsong, kids playing, the tick and creaking of central heating pipes, next door washing up, traffic off in the distance, the hum of the the laptop, dogs barking, wind lifting bits of plastic sheeting on the building site in the garden, the gurgling of the coffee machine, joe upstairs practicisng the songs for his school assembly, the hum of the fridge, neighbours dragging out their wheelie bins, the occasional plip of water in the cistern [and our not-quite-watertight-yet extension!]...

in 'everyday apocalypse' david dark talks about holiness, about how we tend to see it as a sort of other-wordly and aloof state, but how in reality it's more of an opposite state to that, a state of 'superaliveness', a state of heightened awareness and engagement with the world around you. and i'm thinking that that's partly what the silence is bringing me into. that's where the practise of solitude is leading me.

of course i'm not there yet - nowhere near; it's two [baby] steps forward, one step back, and there's a huge distance to travel, but it's good to be able to note these changes for the better, to be able to mark the benefits of this journey that we've undertaken...

and so i was wondering about adding a line to our prayer - god be in my ears, and in my listening...?

si

Simple things

Recently we stayed with some good friends of ours down south. On our final morning together we awoke to a real heavy downpour. As we looked out onto the back garden my friends response was 'look at the starlings they're having a fantastic time'.
I smiled to myself as this was a typical comment from him, one of sheer delight and optimism at what looked like a fairly grim day ahead. I was struck by the simplicity at what he'd observed and the enjoyment he took from watching the birds.

The other week whilst waiting for what seemed like hours in orthopaedics (eddie was having his cast removed)an afro-caribbean nurse came out into the waiting room and called a patient, this very elderly lady struggled from her seat. The nurse very gently went to put an arm around her amongst all these people just sitting, waiting,staring. I found it a very moving moment, partly because it was such a gentle offer of help, partly because the woman was so fragile and then because of the obvious black helping white. ( that might not have come out quite right but I know what I mean) Such a simple gesture and yet one full of so many complexities.

I have been delighted and struck how such simple things have been brought to my attention in the last few weeks. The stilling of my busy life even for just short moments has brought me to a point of thankfulness and acceptance.

Neither moments were when I was alone .

I guess I'm learning that contemplation and stillness can happen wherever and whenever if I'm willing to have a go.

Sue

Whose agenda?

I think the big challenge for me is whose agenda I am going to follow. I know this because yesterday a surprising thought popped into my head. It simply asked,

"Whose agenda are you going to follow today, yours or mine?"

This was a real challenge, and a real answer to prayer, as I've been asking God to speak to me in a way that I can understand.

As I reflected on this question, I realised that almost everything I do is based on my agenda: either what I want, or what I *think* others want - whether my nearest and dearest, or random strangers, or God. But almost never do I stop and listen to see what God might want. So I tried it yesterday, and I think it worked quite well, although I was quite aware of how selfish I can be through a normal day, and kept on having to check myself from thinking and/or acting in a way that (on reflection) I was horrified with!!!

So - the question again today is: whose agenda am I going to follow? This is a great challenge for me everyday, because it gets me thinking outside of myself, and actually engaging in a conversation with God that doesn't just go, "Oh God, please bless x and y and z, and help me with a and b and c." Instead, it sounds more like, "Oh God, you know I want to do a, b and c, but what do you think? Is that cool with you, or what?" (And then I actually wait and hope and expect that, at the right time, God will give me the answer.)

So, day 2 of the new agenda ;) So far, so good. Although, I'm sooo tired today, feel like I'm completely drunk, and a bit useless (although in reality I'm neither of these). But this is a good testing ground for listening and doing God's way, and seeing how that works out. Thanks God.

James

less is more

I spent this morning trying to throw things away. This, so I could make enough space in the shed to stash one couch and one coffee table. This, so I could walk through the lounge without having to wriggle sideways past all the furniture and newly arrived piano.

The couch and coffee table have been duly relegated to the shed, and the ensuing mobility options in the lounge are satisfying indeed!

Which makes me think: less is more. Getting rid of stuff increases space.

And that seems like a metaphor just screaming to happen. Getting rid of extraneous activities and busy-ness creates life-space. Head-space. Time ... to be.

And of course, that made me think of 'Monks'. The good old Abbot urges us to make space in our lives for sanctuary. What do I need to get rid of?

Si mentioned the old 'not turning on the computer in the mornings' thing, at our last Monks get-together. And that hits the nail on the head for me. I had a minute of indecision this morning when I debated whether or not I should switch on my laptop and check my emails. Sadly, I decided 'yes'. Tomorrow, I'll aim for 'no'.

In fact, I'll aim to get off as soon as I've clicked on 'PUBLISH', and not turn on my laptop again today till bedtime.

Baby steps forward ...

monday...

ok.

at our meal last week we decided to try to use the blog here a bit more - to help us to become more disciplined and to be more accountable. monks in a monastery have that daily support of their community, the discipline of a shared routine, they're all in it together for the long haul... we talked about how that might make it easier [or at least simpler] to take on this monastic thing - just to be set apart and to have the pursuit of monastic silence, stillness, prayer, contemplation as your main goal, with very few distractions. meanwhile we're struggling with all these added extras - mainly work and family i guess... but also the values[noisy, busy, individualistic, consumerist...] of the communities and the world that we live in, which maybe run counter to the way that we'd ideally like it to be...

[...of course, that's not to say that life in a monastery is easy - there's no place to hide, no easy excuses or cosy diversions for the monks there...!]

so - the plan is for us to blog daily through the week [taking saturday and sunday off!]in order to build a bit more rigour and continuity into our group. [this i think will be especially important as folk disappear off to far-flung parts of the world to do cool stuff...!]

and so here we go...
looking forward to hearing from you all!

si

struggling

i have to confess that i'm finding our monastic thing a bit of a struggle at the mo.

finding it hard to motivate myself to make the time and space to be quiet, to read the book, to pray, to be still, to just be.

it's just so ingrained in me to do stuff; to consume; to drown out the silence with the radio and with music, to make a noise, to find some interesting distractions; to keep my head down and to avoid the conversations, to retreat into old, comfortable, familiar behaviours...

i'm so sold out on the idea of instant gratification. even in my spiritual life - so much of what's on offer in christian circles is a quick-fix thing, a consumerist answer to all your problems - buy into this programme, be it the purpose driven life or everyday with jesus or willow creek or alpha or _____________________ [insert your own favourite here]

and none of it works, because it's not about what you do, it's about who you are, and about being the person that you were created to be...

so that's why i'm struggling. i'm gradually being challenged to change everything - or at least that's how it feels right now - it's a paradigm shift, and i'm rebelling against it, and maybe against god.
there's a lot of internal resistance going on!
and i know that i can't win...
and yet i somehow can't give in. not yet... maybe i'm scared of what submission will mean, what the consequences will be...

(maybe this is what it means to wrestle with your demons...
which is, of course, what all good monks do.)




so whilst it's unsettling and uncomfortable, it's a good thing, this struggle.
and i'm glad of it.


si